But, I'm not! My little man screamed his lungs off. It took me a while to respond. Usually, I am up in a flash, but I estimate that it took me ten minutes to respond. This means I must be really tired. Today was a busy day with only one nap for mommy! Today was the first day I was away from JT. Mr. Soup granted me some alone time. He tries to act like it was out of love for me, but I think he wanted some JT snuggle time. I never thought about how much goes into a father bonding with his child. We moms are lucky because ours is almost automatic, but dads need lots of built in time especially if they go back to work immediately. Plus, I think it helped Mr. Soup to be more relaxed around JT because I wasn't there critiquing everything. So I was granted 3 hours of alone time. I did some mundane things like take the dogs to the vet and shop for groceries, but I also ate lunch without them. I also drove my old car for the first time in weeks. I felt so young and carefree. Driving that Jetta again took me back to the age of 22 when I first purchased it. It was my only major responsibilty (and not really because my parents made the payments while I was in grad school). Those 3 hours of no responsibility were nice and refreshing. I will take advantage of it while I can; however, I was more than ready to see my little boy when I got home. I kind of was glad that he was fussy while I was gone. He missed me too!
Mr. Soup and I discussed the whole grad school thing again. I'm so lucky that my husband not only supports my higher education goals, but encourages them. I am also lucky that he totally understood me wanting to wait until JT or any subsequent children that we may have was in school. I know I am going to live for nights, weekends, and summers with my family.
One thing he is encouraging me to do is work on my writing more. I wrote a series of low readability inference mysteries for my students years ago. He wants me to add more and revamp them. I also developed some drug prevention activities for Red Ribbon Week that I can add to if I want to make it more universal. I've also been writing training stuff for friends' businesses and I am going to help my friend write the curriculum for her self-help program. All of this stuff I've been doing for free for my district and friends, but a little late night research has shown me that there is money to be had in doing what I love. I plan to work on some of this stuff this summer, but really crackdown next summer. We have to pay for JT's daycare year-round (don't get me started), so I plan to take him there a few days a week next summer. During that time I can work on all this (in addition to lunch dates, pool time, and other mommy-alone time activities). Focusing on this is better than grad school right now. Grad school = time away from JT, money going out. Writing = minimal time away, some money possibly coming in, and creative release. Plus all this could be good for the research I may do as a grad student in 2020! So I feel pretty good about my decision. I can honestly say I am where I want to be in life. I have two great jobs, wonderful home, two awesome dogs, amazing husband and the world's best son! Did I mention that in 30 minutes that son will be 2 weeks old? Time sure does fly. In that time he lost weight and gained it, battled jaundice, learned to take the bippy from Daddy and put it in his mouth, learned to make Sam love him just as much as Maya does, roll to one side and be extra cute! God, I love you, little dude. Happy 2 week birthday!
Showing posts with label PhD. Show all posts
Showing posts with label PhD. Show all posts
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Thursday, June 2, 2011
We've survived
I kind of waited to post on this because I wanted to be able to say, "yeah! we did it!"
Yeah! We did it!
We survived
-breastfeeding struggles
-jaundice
-postpartum depression
For breastfeeding to be so natural it is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. JT immediately latched on in the hospital, but he barely wanted to nurse. This was partly due to the fact that it took 5 days for my milk to come in, which is average. This wouldn't have been a big issue except I didn't have a pump nor could I pump because there was no milk. I was really leary about giving him formula or even breast milk in a bottle. I was so scared of causing nipple confusion. However, after his jaundice worsened and he started dropping o-z's like crazy, I gave in a little. Of course all babies drop ounces, but his was dramatic and combined with the jaundice got too scary. On Friday I called his pediatrician because the whites of his eyes started to yellow. Fortunately, my milk had just come in, so I was able to continue nursing and top off with formula just to get his weight up. When we went to his check-up on Tuesday, his billirubin had gone down significantly and his weight had gone up. He was a completely different baby than the one I had brought in the week before. He is still changing before our very eyes. He loves to feed now, so much so that he's mistaken daddy's nipple for mine (Mr. Soup was not too happy about that). He also loves to explore. He has incredible head and neck strength and can shimmy his way around when on his tummy. He loves to be held. I think Mr. Soup has spoiled him in that area. There are plenty of times where we are sure he's good and konked out. We go to put him in his pack n' play and he immediately wakes up and cries. Yeah. Not fun!
Post-partum depression is not fun. I don't think I had it very badly, but I definitely had some symptoms. I think a lot of was due to the fact that JT wouldn't nurse. I never felt as though I wanted to hurt JT or hurt myself. I just had this nagging sense that I wasn't doing a good job as a mother. I would look at JT and cry because I didn't think I was a good enough mommy for him. Everyone around me did a good job of building me up and not allowing me to wallow too much, but sometimes I gave in to my feelings of insecurity. Once JT's health was on the up and up, I started to feel a little bit better. Each day, I feel like I'm making progress. I'm sure part of it has to do with my hormones evening out too. Talking my feelings out really helps as well. I'm such a perfectionist who never fails at anything. The thought of failing at motherhood was overwhelming. I have so much love for this little guy and want to do my best for him.
So before JT was born, I posted about attending an information session on a PhD program. I went to it and was really blown away. I knew this university had a PhD in Reading Education, but I was never really interested. Reading seemed so clinical and diagnostic, as well as elementary. I really wanted to study English Education like I did for my master's . In that we were able to study young adult literature, writing, reading, etc. Well, the university revamped their program into a PhD in Language & Literacy Studies. It has a broader focus that includes Reading Ed, English Ed, and Bilingual/ESL Ed too. They got rid of their EdD program and made their PhD less rigorous (meaning less research classes). They also cater to full-time teachers and offer classes at night only. Right now they only offer classes at the main campus which is 40 minutes away, but they are looking to offer more classes closer to us in the near future. So, it sounds perfect, right? That was before I became a mom. Now I cringe at the thought of spending a couple of evenings a week away from him. I already work too much as it is. Earning my PhD has always been a goal of mine for many reasons: 1. personal satisfaction 2. impact on teaching 3. expand career options 4. show my children they can do anything they set their mind towards doing. I still want to earn it, but I need to learn to balance mommyhood with work first. So, instead of looking at entering in fall 2012, I'm thinking fall 2013. Instead of going full-time or taking a heavy part-time load, I think I may just take one or two courses at a time. I'm also hoping that some day soon I can transition to working at the community college full-time or part-time. It'll take me a long, long time to earn a PhD, but at least I can do it and minimize my time away from JT. He seriously is all I want to focus on for the next few years. Funny how having a kid will change you. Not that I'm giving up on my dream, but I'm realizing there are other ways to achieve it. I'll keep you all updated on what I decide to do in the near future. Whatever it is, just know my family will always come first!
Yeah! We did it!
We survived
-breastfeeding struggles
-jaundice
-postpartum depression
For breastfeeding to be so natural it is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. JT immediately latched on in the hospital, but he barely wanted to nurse. This was partly due to the fact that it took 5 days for my milk to come in, which is average. This wouldn't have been a big issue except I didn't have a pump nor could I pump because there was no milk. I was really leary about giving him formula or even breast milk in a bottle. I was so scared of causing nipple confusion. However, after his jaundice worsened and he started dropping o-z's like crazy, I gave in a little. Of course all babies drop ounces, but his was dramatic and combined with the jaundice got too scary. On Friday I called his pediatrician because the whites of his eyes started to yellow. Fortunately, my milk had just come in, so I was able to continue nursing and top off with formula just to get his weight up. When we went to his check-up on Tuesday, his billirubin had gone down significantly and his weight had gone up. He was a completely different baby than the one I had brought in the week before. He is still changing before our very eyes. He loves to feed now, so much so that he's mistaken daddy's nipple for mine (Mr. Soup was not too happy about that). He also loves to explore. He has incredible head and neck strength and can shimmy his way around when on his tummy. He loves to be held. I think Mr. Soup has spoiled him in that area. There are plenty of times where we are sure he's good and konked out. We go to put him in his pack n' play and he immediately wakes up and cries. Yeah. Not fun!
Post-partum depression is not fun. I don't think I had it very badly, but I definitely had some symptoms. I think a lot of was due to the fact that JT wouldn't nurse. I never felt as though I wanted to hurt JT or hurt myself. I just had this nagging sense that I wasn't doing a good job as a mother. I would look at JT and cry because I didn't think I was a good enough mommy for him. Everyone around me did a good job of building me up and not allowing me to wallow too much, but sometimes I gave in to my feelings of insecurity. Once JT's health was on the up and up, I started to feel a little bit better. Each day, I feel like I'm making progress. I'm sure part of it has to do with my hormones evening out too. Talking my feelings out really helps as well. I'm such a perfectionist who never fails at anything. The thought of failing at motherhood was overwhelming. I have so much love for this little guy and want to do my best for him.
So before JT was born, I posted about attending an information session on a PhD program. I went to it and was really blown away. I knew this university had a PhD in Reading Education, but I was never really interested. Reading seemed so clinical and diagnostic, as well as elementary. I really wanted to study English Education like I did for my master's . In that we were able to study young adult literature, writing, reading, etc. Well, the university revamped their program into a PhD in Language & Literacy Studies. It has a broader focus that includes Reading Ed, English Ed, and Bilingual/ESL Ed too. They got rid of their EdD program and made their PhD less rigorous (meaning less research classes). They also cater to full-time teachers and offer classes at night only. Right now they only offer classes at the main campus which is 40 minutes away, but they are looking to offer more classes closer to us in the near future. So, it sounds perfect, right? That was before I became a mom. Now I cringe at the thought of spending a couple of evenings a week away from him. I already work too much as it is. Earning my PhD has always been a goal of mine for many reasons: 1. personal satisfaction 2. impact on teaching 3. expand career options 4. show my children they can do anything they set their mind towards doing. I still want to earn it, but I need to learn to balance mommyhood with work first. So, instead of looking at entering in fall 2012, I'm thinking fall 2013. Instead of going full-time or taking a heavy part-time load, I think I may just take one or two courses at a time. I'm also hoping that some day soon I can transition to working at the community college full-time or part-time. It'll take me a long, long time to earn a PhD, but at least I can do it and minimize my time away from JT. He seriously is all I want to focus on for the next few years. Funny how having a kid will change you. Not that I'm giving up on my dream, but I'm realizing there are other ways to achieve it. I'll keep you all updated on what I decide to do in the near future. Whatever it is, just know my family will always come first!
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