back to school blues

every year I feel a mixture of dread and excitement as I return back to school. Dread because I'll be busier than I can imagine and excitement because I'll have structure. I'm not one of those people who makes the most of my time off. This was true even before Joel. I usually spend my days in PJs, watch TV, maybe hit the gym or pool, etc. Sometimes I struggle to buy groceries. This summer I had an excuse to be lazy because my baby boy was born. It was hard for me to get out of the house each day. I preferred just to sit and watch Joel play, cry and sleep. However, I made a point to do something outside of the home with Joel whether it was a walk, or a lunch-date, or something.
When Mr. Soup and I decided to have kids we knew we'd be working parents. I felt fortunate to have a career where I have all major holidays off and summers off too. However, when I do work, I'm consumed by grading, stupid meetings, tutoring, etc. So, my heart has been really heavy as I prepare to take Joel to daycare next month. I never knew that I would feel such sadness. I have so enjoyed every day of maternity leave. I'm pretty much worthless with Joel around as evident by the piles of laundry that need to be folded, but I love waking up each day, seeing him smile, watching him wiggle on his tummy and watching him explore his surroundings. He looks so cute when he discovers something and focuses in on it. And while I'm sad that he's getting bigger, I love his little fat rolls on his body. His chubby arms and legs are the cutest. Even when he cries, I find it adorable. His little bottom lip starts to quiver and hot tears roll down his cheeks. His hands are so delicate and soft, yet surprisingly strong. I am absolutely in love with my boy.
I know I shouldn't be sad, but I am. It's an end of an era and the beginning of something new and great. I also now know how his daddy feels. He has to be away from him 8 hours out of the day. His time with him in the evening is so precious. Now I will experience that. I do look forward to it in a way because I will be forced to take advantage of each precious moment with him. It will force me to be more organized and disciplined. I look forward to the new family we will welcome in our daycare provider and the friends Joel will make. I look forward to interacting on a regular basis with adults. I look forward to not spending money frivolously. And maybe if I ever get the chance to work from home or work less, I won't be so worthless and the laundry will get done! I'm a big bag of mixed emotions right now. Still want to be a working mom, but wishing I had just three more months at home with him. Wish we could've prepared more for that. I'm quickly learning there is no way to plan for a baby no matter how hard you try. There is also no way I could have prepared to have my heart removed from body. He's it now!