Chchchchanges!

So, I have so many updates regarding our lives. I'm so bad at blogging. I feel like I come on here every few months to update and then I run off!

Okay, so first things is first. Joel is 2!! Joel celebrated his 2nd birthday May 22nd! Yes, our wonderful prince has been here for two whole years. We celebrated his birthday on June 2nd (we still act like he was born in June even though he arrived three weeks early). We had a great party at our home. We pulled out the sprinklers, filled up the baby pool, and set up the water table. I bought a ton of sand buckets and bubbles for the kids to use and take as favors. Murad grilled burgers, and I made pizza balls (thank you, Pinterest!). We also had a delicious buttercreme cake (you know the Campbells love cake!) I think Joely totally enjoyed the party. The next day we went to visit his pediatrician. He's perfectly healthy and at 27 lbs (10th percentile) and 34 inches (50th percentile), he's growing up well. She told us to keep a list of the new words or phrases he says. He's about average in language development, but she wants to make sure he keeps it up.

Prior to Joel's 2nd birthday, my in-laws came to visit over Mother's Day weekend. They came in town (with Murad's stepbrother in tow) to visit Qadree's new home. Qadree (my brother-in-law) moved out of our home in January and purchased a brand new (like, it was still being built) home in March. While we were sad to see him go, we are excited for this new endeavor. We had a great time with them, but as always it was too short. Our boys spoiled Murad's stepmother and me! We had a lovely brunch at Blue Mesa.

In May, we discovered that my dad's brain tumor returned. It was almost eleven years ago that my family traveled to Arkansas for my dad to undergo brain surgery. At the time, the doctors could not get all of the tumor due to its location. They assured us that a gamma knife could zap it if it started to grow. Unfortunately, a gamma knife causes swelling which could lead to paralysis, so when doctors discovered it returned, we didn't know what to expect. My parents traveled to Houston at the end of May to meet with a specialist. Fortunately, the specialist determined that surgery was not the best option. My dad will undergo radiation treatment in Wichita. Even though the trip to Houston was stressful, we got two visits to Plano from Nana & Papa! Joely was so excited to spend time with them!

After my parents left, we spent a week here, and then Joely and I traveled to Wichita to spend a few days with Nana and Papa before dad starts radiation. We also paid a visit to the Sedgwick County Zoo! I'm not sure if Joely was too interested in the animals. He wanted to eat, eat goat food, and run around the animals. He had no interest in petting them or looking at them. He did like the gorilla though, go figure.

Yesterday, we celebrated a wonderful Father's Day. Father's Day usually is hard for Murad because he has such a strained relationship with his daughter (through no fault of her own), but he said yesterday was the best Father's Day he's ever had. All he wanted to do was spend time playing with Joely. It started off kinda rocky because my car battery died while Joely and I were out buying donuts for Murad. He picked us up and paid for a new battery for me. We came home, entertained some out-of-town visitors, made phone calls, opened gifts and napped. Murad gave Joely a haircut, and then I picked up Applebee's for us to eat. By the time I got home, Murad had already put Joely down for bed. We stayed up, ate, and watched True Blood and the Oz Great & Powerful movie. It was a great day and I'm glad he enjoyed it!

Please keep Abby (my stepdaughter) in your thoughts and prayers. We know some things are going on in her home that shouldn't be, but we're hoping that someone will take action. Unfortunately, that means that we can't see her or talk to her at this time. It's been hard, but we have to do what we can from a distance to protect her.

Well, I started off doing lots of blogging for the dental marketing company, but they let me go. Actually, I kinda wanted to get let go. On the day of Joely's birthday, the owner let us know of a mandatory three day training the next week. When I told them I couldn't make it, they seemed put off (I kinda need more than five days notice , especially for a contract job!). In addition, they changed the due dates and turnaround time on many of our writing assignments. I could have adjusted, but the wanted the new due dates to go into action immediately. At this point, I was already done with them, but I expressed my concerns and asked for additional time to adjust. At that time, they let me go. I was actually relieved when I saw my name missing from the weekly calendar. I'm sure they're a great company, but I'm used to working solely online (which I thought this would be with the occasional monthly meeting). Now I have more time to devote to my contract jobs. Right now, I'm finishing up a big project for an online educational company. Ironically, I'm writing study guides for the Texas English II Exams. Once a teacher... I'm also writing articles and case studies for an herbal supplement company. In order to make ends meet, I've been working as an online TA, but the university recently eliminated my position due to low enrollment. I still work 2-3 mornings a week at Collin's Writing Center and I'm going to teach at a summer camp in July.

What I've discovered is that each semester, I have to "find" work. Working as an adjunct means that I'm not guaranteed classes. I would've loved to taught at Collin or Texas Wesleyan this summer, but they didn't have enough classes. Contract work is kinda the same. Some months are really good, and other months, not so much. Nevertheless, I've made it work and I wouldn't trade it for the world. I only send Joely to daycare 2-3 days a week which means that I get to watch him grow and learn. However, I realize that long-term this will not work. While I haven't taken any money out of my retirement account, I haven't put much in. Also, Murad and I finally decided that we would like to have another child in the future. I don't know how I could save up for a maternity leave like I had before. Plus, doing contract work is great with a toddler, but won't work with an infant. I loved having 12 weeks off to bond with Joely when he was an infant, and I want that with another baby. So, I made the decision to return to the traditional full-time workforce this fall. I'll still work in education, but not as a teacher. I'm still waiting for the HR stuff to go through (fingers crossed), but I'm pretty excited!

This means Joel will go to daycare full-time. His current sitter will start college in the fall, so this means she can only watch him 2-3 days a week. We're looking at preschools to send him to on the opposite days. Hopefully, this will help him transition to full-time preschool in the fall of 2014. I'm glad that Joel kinda got the best of both worlds. I was able to be home with him during a big period of growth and learning. I also got to see firsthand how my parenting shaped him. I also got to partake in daily love-fests with him. I love those random hugs and kisses he gives me throughout the day. Man, I'm tearing up just thinking about going back to work.

Motherhood deterrent

I hate when mothers scare non-mothers away from parenthood. Recently, I was reading a friend's blog post and was saddened by what I read. My friend is totally geeked at the possibility of getting her dream Canon. She revealed this to a group of people and one of them, a mother, remarked that big purchases like that go to the side once you have kids....grrr...

I hate when people give such a negative view of motherhood. Now that I'm a mom, I want to share with the world just how great motherhood is. I choose to focus on the many positives rather than focus on the negatives. In fact, I choose to remedy the small negatives when I can.

When I first had Joely, I spent most of my money on him (still do). Recently, I realized that it's okay to spend money on myself. I think it's important to spoil myself with shopping trips for myself by myself.

I also regret putting off girls' trips and romantic getaways because I was nervous about leaving Joel. I know I'll get those opportunities again, but I think I seriously could've benefitted from a little rejuvenation.

I love being a mother. I love waking up to my smiling Joely. I love his little ornery crawl to the places he's not supposed to visit. I love that he thinks he's a dog. I love the way he shakes his little behind when he's naked and getting ready for a bath. I also love the father-son days. I love his nap-time. I love when he sleeps in (rare).

For me becoming a mom wasn't a big eye-opener. My mom was awesome, selfless and AMAZING! I always wanted to be like her. I've always wanted to be a mom. I've always wanted to sacrifice for my children. I've always wanted to give that unconditional love. I think one thing my mom did really well was balance. She was never into traveling, but my mom can shop. She loves to shop for others, but she always made sure to shop for what she loves. I think when we think that everything must go to our children, we lose sight of what's important: being well-rounded, happy mamas!

I love that he's sees me as mom, but I hope someday (when he's out of that self-absorbed stage) he'll see that I'm a person too.

So, all the single ladies (all the single ladies!) Being a mama is pretty darn awesome.

Mother Fears

Before having Joel, I didn't realize how scary being a mother would be day in and day out. In fact, I envisioned myself being this carefree mother who would let my baby fall down without worrying. I was determined to be the opposite of my mother.
That quickly changed when I was pregnant. First, I discovered that everything I did could possibly affect Joel. I was extremely careful about what I ate during those first twelve weeks. No turkey sandwiches, no weird cheeses, etc. Joel rarely let me eat my guilty pleasure...Chick-fil-A. Something about it (and most chicken) made him (me) nauseated. Unfortunately, my love for Chick-fil-A did not die after giving birth...
I was also so careful not to lift things. I just really wanted a healthy baby. I thought my worries would be gone after he was born. Boy, oh boy was I wrong. I remember crying in the closet for a week because I thought I was messing him up already. I find myself going through those panicky phases again.
The other day I watched a show on the ID channel. The ID channel is one of my guilty pleasures. I got hooked watching it in the wee hours of the night when nursing my son. Sometimes I would freak myself, but I still watched. Last night I watched an episode in which a mother sacrificed herself so that her kids could get to safety. She was kidnapped, raped and murdered. She did all the right things by leaving clues, calling 911 and screaming for help in public, but the 911 call center and police kind of dropped the ball.
I felt an extreme connection to this mother who I did not know. I would do anything to save Joel; however, I worry about what would happen if he did not have a mother? the woman's husband remarked that it was a blessing that their sons were too young to remember the ordeal, but also that it was a shame that they will not have any concrete memories of their mother. Things like that freak me out. I not only have to worry about his safety, but I also have to make sure I'm safe so that he has a mother.
That's one of the reasons why I'm so picky about what I feed Joel and my family. I know my friends don't understand how the queen of casseroles now prepares hearty, healthy meals. How the person who once bought one veggie once a month, now visits the farmer's market for fruit and veggies. How the person who used to live on Lean Cuisines, can no longer stand them. Yep. that's me. I I think it's great that my family is coming to see things the way I do, especially in regards to soy. Joel's pediatrician wanted us to switch him to soy formula, but we were reluctant. I've read so many bad things about soy and Murad and I have tried to exclude it as much as we can from our diet. I reluctantly put Joel on soy formula. It did not affect his spit-up as we thought. He grew out of the spit-up phase when he started crawling just as his dad did. We immediately put him back on regular formula and I'm so glad we did. It's one of those mother fears that I had and I wish I would've trusted my instincts instead of listening to what others thought was best. We love our pediatrician, so that is not to say that we don't trust her completely. I just think sometimes it's not all scientific.
Murad and I also try to avoid fast food. Of course, we have our weaknesses: Chipotle and Jimmy John's are the two we battle right now! I do not want us to become dependent on them. It makes me sad that fast food is so cheap and so many families have no choice but to rely on it. I feel like our nation does not do a good job of educating poor families on how to eat better.
Finally, GMO and GE foods are also on my list. I feel passionately that the government should provide labels for consumers. Many do not know which foods contain GMO and GE ingredients.
Why is this so important to me? Obviously, I want Joely to eat well, but it is also important for us to do the same. Remember how I said that I want Joel to have a mom (and dad)? This is why! We need to keep our bodies in tip-top condition. Food is one of those things that is easy to control. I want to lead a long, healthy life for myself and my family. I want Joel to know his mother.
My mom started reading The Ugly Truth by Robin O'Brien. I have not read it yet, but I follow her work closely. My mom was astonished by what she read. While we ate extremely healthy as children, my mom couldn't help but think that she made errors. She worries that the allergies we have may have been due to something we ate or that she ate while pregnant. While this may seem extreme, it's not. I've heard countless cases of children having ill effects due to eating McDonald's and soy.
As I learn more about the food industry, I'm sure I'll share more ramblings. Just know that my posts are out of love for my son and love for all children. I want to make all parents aware of food issues. I know I can't, but maybe some parent will stumble across this blog and learn something.

Approaching one year

On Sunday, Joel turns eleven months. That means I will have one month left of babyhood with my bub. He's already showing signs of being a big boy. I find myself longing for the times when he was a sweet sleeping prince. In fact, last week Joel slept in our room while my mother-in-law and brother-in-law visited. We also bunked with him when we went to visit my parents for Easter. During both visits, Joel spent nights in our bed. Even though it was mighty uncomfortable, I was in heaven. He nestled his sweet, snuggly self in between his father and me. It brought me back to the summer when we first brought him in our bed. He wouldn't sleep well in his pack n' play. He'd stop breathing from time-to-time. In our bed, he found his rhythm. He was safe. Having him back here made me feel like he needed us again. He was no longer my independent big boy; he was my needy baby.
While those first few months were pure joy for me (besides the lack of sleep), they were torture for Murad. It took a bit of time for him to develop a strong bond with Joely. Now their bond is as strong as ever. So while I long for the days of infancy, Murad is enjoying this stage of rapid growth.
I find that as we approach one year, people are already asking if we're ready for another one. Even my level-headed dad asked when we were having number two (I think he just wants more grandchildren to spoil, and he knows he's not getting any out of my brother in the near future). The truth is, we don't know. I feel like with Joel we definitely knew we were ready for him. In fact, our desire to have Joel was so strong that we kind of jumped into it without considering all the factors. I wouldn't have it any other way though. I just wonder when that desire will come again. We go back in forth in our desire for another wee one. Three weeks ago we picked out prospective sibling names for Joel. We even discussed how we would make it work financially (something we never did when we decided to have Joel). Last week, we were convinced that we were one and done. We kind of go in cycles like that. Fortunately, our children-wanting cycles are the same. I also kind of feel like I'm being selfish for asking for another blessing. I don't think I fully grasped how wonderful Joel would be. I mean I had NO IDEA that he would be this awesome. I am so fascinated by him. I could sit for hours and watch him explore. I never knew what I was missing before he arrived. Do I deserve to experience another blessing? Am I just missing that new baby feeling? Why does Joel have to share? (I know. Who says that? Murad calls me a brat when I complain about having to share with my brother...and yes. I still complain!) I guess I'll never know. I think in this situation the answer won't be as clear as it was with Joel.
Even though it's not clear if Joel will have a younger sibling, I do know one thing: My little boy is growing up. It is bittersweet to watch him grow. I've never been more proud of his accomplishments and so heartbroken as well. I'll never get this year back. All I have are the thousands of photos and videos, millions of mental movies, and hundreds of tiny used clothes that let me know he was once a baby. Our living room is constantly covered in toys that Joel has thrown across the room. I remind myself that at one point, he could not throw. Each morning, he throws his food on the floor for the dogs; he could not do that before. I constantly look at his birth certificate to remind myself that a six pound baby did exist. As we approach one year, I remind myself that a baby once lived here.

Dirty 30!

Well, as many of you know, I am now thirty years old! My official birthday was Thursday. I can hear the "womp, womp" in the background as you realize that I was at work on my birthday. Definitely not fun, but my students made it a success. One student brought me a cupcake from Sprinkles, another one brought me a (fake) Gucci scarf, and I received handmade countless posters (including a Jayhawk one). One of my students brought me whole wheat toast with Nutella. This may seem a little weird, but we bonded over our love of whole weat toast and Nutella. I think we are the only ones in the school who eat it for breakfast each day.

When I got home, I spent most of the afternoon returning phone calls. Mr. Soup and Joel showered me with cake and a homemade dinner! I requested no gifts, as Murad shelled out a lot for my push prize (I absolutely love my Galaxy tablet; it's the reason why my Facebook page has a million pics of Joel) and Christmas. After Joel went to bed, we watched a movie and hung out.

On Friday, I went to Happy Hour with my work friends. It was fun and low-key, which was what I needed after a stressful week. We went to Kelly's Eastside Bar in downtown Plano which was convenient for me!

On Saturday, we started our day with a serious talk. I know that seems weird, but it was really needed. Mr. Soup is worried that I'm not getting enough "me-time." I think he's worried because of the stress of my job, motherhood and supporting him after his test. When I went to happy hour on Friday, I called to I check on Joely and he goes, "GO HAVE FUN!" Easier said than done, right? He's right though. I've been guilty of putting Joely first all the time. Since Murad takes Joely to work and I pick him up, Murad is going to pick up Joel twice a week (that's all that his work schedule will allow). I'll have time to go do my "me-time" stuff. Whether it's working out, meeting for coffee or a drink with friends, or whatever, I'll have those two afternoons to myself. I'm really excited about this, but also nervous. Picking up Joel is the highlight of my day and I treasure the time we spend after work; however, I know Murad is really looking forward to getting me back to "me." I know a lot of it has to do with my work situation, but I am thankful to be employed. I also think that I don't always realize how much work it is to be a mom. I used to scoff when people said that being a mom was hard. I LOVE mothering Joel each day. I didn't ever think of it as work, because I enjoy it so, so much. When I step away and realize how much work it is though, I can see why I am a little overwhelmed. So much of who I am is devoted to Joel (as evident by the fact that 99% of my blog entries are devoted to him; I promise that will change!), but I am more than his mommy.

After our big talk, we geared up for my birthday celebration. It was a much needed night out. We left Joel with the sitter who would have been more than happy to keep him overnight, but Murad and I are just not ready to leave him overnight with non-family members. We're getting there though...Anyways, I really wanted to celebrate my birthday in downtown Plano. I know that seems weird to celebrate in a suburb, but Murad and I really love our town. The restaurants and shops in downtown Plano are unique and the nightlife is vibrant. It's becoming more "urban" and we love spending time there. We wanted to share that with our friends, so we headed over to Urban Crust for a pizza dinner. I absolutely love their Genova pizza - eggplant, basil pesto, tomato sauce, goat cheese and argula..YUM! It was great to share good food and drinks with friends. Afterwards, we went upstairs to the rooftop bar to hear the DJ spin. the rooftop bar (called 32 Degrees because they serve all drinks at that temperature) was so much fun. Immediately brought me back to being in college. We had fun drinking, doing silly dances, and people-watching! Such a fun night and I'm so thankful for the people who made it a blast!

We headed over to pick up our little prince who graciously let us sleep in until 8:00am today. I then took a five hour nap while Joel and Murad had some daddy-time. We have been lounging around because our 30 and 31 year old bodies can't handle 3am bed-times. Although I loved the night out, it won't be a regular occurence.

30 is here and I could not be happier. I may not have all the answers, but I'm surrounded by people who love and support me. I'm figuring it out one day at a time. Here's to 30!

the last

i think this will be the last post on this topic for a while. i do feel a sense of peace and acceptance concerning the issue. I no longer feel sad and I don't feel as guilty. It is hard to know that your child has to live a difficult life, when you are fully capable of providing her with a great childhood. Because of that, I do feel a sense of guilt It's hard to know that she no longer values our half of her family. It no longer hurts me, but I do feel that she is being hurt by that. I do worry about my stepdaughter's future. I worry that she won't have a future.

i don't know if my stepdaughter will ever want us in her life again or if her family will decide our presence is important again. however, I have no control over what transpires in the coming years. our arms will always be open, but I realize that it's best for us to live our lives to the fullest. this may not be what is best for her, but it is out of our control now. all we can do is be supportive from afar and do what we need to do to be better people and to be better spouses to each other. I have too much to live for than to throw a pity-party for myself. I need to focus on the family I have and not what I don't have.

Please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

another summer comes to an end...

summer is coming to an end. Next week I officially return to work and this week I had my official orientation to my new community college teaching position. Despite all the trials and tribulations we experienced, it has been a good summer and I'm sad to see it go. Even though things did not go as planned with my stepdaughter, there was some good that came out of it. I know deep down in my heart that we did everything in our power to create a better life for her. We rearranged our whole world (as any parent should) to make her life better. And although it hurts that she and her family do not want that, we have no control in the situation. my heart still hurts. I am powerless. at times I feel guilty, and at times I feel robbed. Most importantly, I feel that she is being robbed of a good life and quality childhood.

When we put my stepdaughter first, I did not see what I was missing and I do not regret missing those things. I think most parents do not realize what they're missing because the joy of being a parent far outweighs anything. I went to buy a bed a couple of months ago and the salesman asked if my husband and I planned to have kids (I guess he thought we were using the bed to get busy!). I told him yes and he went on about how great being a parent is. He said, "People talk about what you miss out on having a kid, but you don't miss anything. You gain so much." I wholeheartedly believe this to be true. However, I now have perspective as both a parent and a suddenly childless person. So here are my reflections:

1. marriage-- Mr. Soup and I did get caught up in putting our child first. Date nights took a back seat when she was here. I think this was our first big mistake. Parents will tell you that you need to put your marriage first in order to be a good parent, and I did not realize this until now. This summer has been about connecting and reconnecting as a couple. Even though we've only been married for a year, we did get into the "lets just watch a movie" date night routine. Now we are committed to not only making date nights routine, but making them more fun. Mr. Soup is on a spontaneity kick too. Everything has to be spontaneous so that we don't get in a rut. I love it! I do think we were given this opportunity to see this perspective so that when we have children in the future, we will not make the same mistake. My time with him is important. It recharges me, as he inspires me in so many ways.

2. personal and professional goals--I was able to achieve many of those goals simultaneously while being a parent, but I think I let finding new professional goals take a back seat. I am so blessed to have a job which I love, but I know that I may not do this forever. I am blessed that I earned my master's at a young age, so that I have some flexibility to explore other career options. This summer, I finally acted on one of my professional goals and that is teaching at the college level. I took a chance and applied to 3 or 4 colleges in the spring and this summer I was asked to teach developmental writing at a local community college. This combines my love of teaching writing with the goal of teaching at a college. This is something I know I would've achieved, but did not expect to achieve so soon. It is something I may not have acted on as a mother, but it is something I know I can do when I become a mother.

Another goal I have is to be a more reflective teacher. I'm hoping this year to really learn from my teaching practices. I am considering going for National Teacher Board Certification and possibly pursuing my doctorate in English Education. I don't know if I'll do either anytime in the near future (I have to find someone to fund both of them), but it's something I'm considering. I'm a nerd, I know. I just really want to focus on making my classroom an environment of learning and not just memorization and recitation. I think NTBC would force me to stay on track in that area.

One personal goal was to lose weight....haven't achieved with a child or without, but damnit I will!

Those are just some things I've noticed this summer. After writing this, I realize that a lot of this comes from not only being childless, but also being student-less. Being away from my 140 students this summer was nice. I'm glad I didn't teach summer school and because of that I will never teach it again. I do feel recharged and ready to face the masses! I also realize that becoming a parent doesn't mean limiting yourself. I need to achieve my goals and not be afraid to find new ones. I should not feel guilty about becoming a better person. After having this experience, I know I won't!

Mom too soon...

so, I've been recieving a lot of signs about motherhood. I've only been married for four months (four months yesterday exactly), but the urge to be a full-time, human mama has kicked in. Some events that have taken place this week have solidified my desire to procreate or adopt with the man I love. Don't worry, I'll spare you the details of procreation (I'm not sure if blogger allows pornography=) I will admit I still have some hang-ups associated with motherhood:

1. my body-not really excited about giving up my body. and I hate to make it sound like that, but that's what it is in my mind. until I'm mature enough to think of it as giving a gift, then I will really know I'm ready. but for now I will say I'm not ready for the pain (in more than one way) associated with being a mom.

2. my time- not ready to give up my free-time yet either.

So, the urge to be a full-time, human mother is there. I never said it was strong. I never said I was mature either (I teach 7th grade, duh!)

but I have come a long way. i don't want to wait as long as I wanted to previously. and I am maturing slowly.
1. money-I used to never worry about money. I would overpay and indulge with no real worries. now I save and bargain-shop. That being said, I had some reservations about having a baby while Murad is in grad school. however, once I set my mind to something I pursue it wholeheartedly. Kinda like my wedding. I was determined to have an inexpensive, yet elegant wedding for significantly less than the national average and I did. so, after Murad and I agreed to buy a foreclosure, I knew we could start a family and still live comfortably while he's in grad school. I know some people are leary of it, but I'm doing my homework. I ordered some literature on the topic and we'll definitely work with a knowledgable realtor.
2. illness- my whole life people have always questioned why I never entered the medical field like my mom (she's a nurse). I loved science class. I loved dissecting creatures in Zoology class. I loved memorizing body parts. However, I have a very weak stomach when it comes to BLOOD and massive loads of shit. Well, I confronted that phobia this week when Sam had massive diarrhea and projectile vomitting. Gross. But it wasn't that gross. Sam is my baby and I took care of him like he was one. Murad and I took shifts caring for him. I trained myself to wake-up every hour to care for him and I was easily awakened by the slightest stir in his movements. I loved knowing he needed me and that I was able to be there for him. At that point my desire to become a mother intensified. I felt like I knew that Murad and I could do it and do it well.
3. Abby-having Abby here has made me want to be a good stepmother. I've done my best to create a safe, loving, enriching and spiritual environment for her. The other day I go "Abby, aren't we pretty mean. I mean, you get spankings here." and she goes, "No, you are not mean. You guys are strict, but it's helping me become a better person!" So cute and last night she told me I am going to make a great mother some day. So sweet! I know I shouldn't get my confidence from a 7 year-old, but Abby is pretty smart and knows her stuff. Plus, I love watching her face light up when she discovers something new, hearing her laugh at her daddy's attempt to rap, helping her sound out a word when she reads, and many other things. I cherish our time with her this summer and look forward to many more summers. Hopefully, she'll spend many summers with her younger brothers and sisters too.
Anyways, I don't know when I'll actually start trying for a baby. I could guess two years from now, but you never know. However, I am no longer scared of the idea of being a mother.

Happy Mothaf@&$*ing mother's day

I like to use bad words when I'm excited. In my vocabuary bad words can be used to describe things that make me happy and things that make me mad. It's all about context and tone. If only I coud use them to teach these concepts to my students. They would ace the TAKS test.

**Disclaimer* my C key and L key are stuck so if you see a word missing the letters c or l, that's why**

Today was my first official mother's day! Well, not really, but my first mother's day as a stepmom! Last year was my first mother's day as a dog-mom. Maybe next mother's day I'll be a real mom... who knows?

Okay, so Friday night was my friend Melanie's birthday. We went to Manny's in Uptown for dinner. I had heard rave reviews about the brisket tacos, but I was too scared to try them. Big mistake, but oh well. We had a good time, drinking, eating and celebrating everything we love about our pal, Mel.

Saturday night Murad and I joined Christina and her friend Lashundra at the Taste of Addison. It's basially this outdoor fair, but on a smaller scale. They have some rides for kids, live bands (Foreigner was there! "I wanna know what love is...") and then a whole bunch of food stations run by different restaurants in Addison. Well, guess who happened to be there? Manny's Tex Mex Restaurant. Turns out they have an Addison location too. Murad and I had the brisket tacos and loved them. Murad hates Tex Mex and he was like, "these are damn good!" He even liked the salsa...so did I. Murad also tried crawfish for the first time. Nate's Seafood was there and they had 1 lb. for $5. Murad was all over that. I think we found a new favorite for him. In addition to those fine foods, I had the sampler from Texas De Brazil (bacon-wrapped chicken, sausage and steak) Murad had the steak from there. I love Texas De Brazil, but it's extremely expensive and you really have to love meat to eat there. All they do is bring you meat. So, trying the samper for only$7 was great! We also had cookies from Nestle Tollhouse and then finished the night with our favorite....FUNNEL CAKE. We were stuffed when we got home. All the walking and eating made us tired so we conked out at 10pm.

I love that the weather is changing. I love going to outdoor events. This time of year is just so fresh and wonderful. Unfortunately yesterday was rather gloomy, cold and overcast. However, being outside with my husband and friends made it fun. We had a great time laughing and experiencing good food!

Swine Flu, TAKS and motherhood

Well TAKS week has come and gone. This week, the 7th grade students took the reading and math TAKS. The 8th grade students took the Science and Social Studies TAKS. I hate just sitting there watching the students take the test. My assistant principal kept telling us to calculate the hours we were getting paid to do nothing. Excuse me? I am not going to calculate hours for not getting paid unless I'm at home in bed or on the beach. This is still work to sit and do nothing but watch kids. no internet, no book, no NOTHING! At least we got to wear jeans.

The Swine Flu. Wow! This pandemic has really got me scared. I keep telling myself it's not a big deal and that everything is going to be okay. However, when I watch the news I get scared. Fort Worth ISD canceled school for a whole week! Those lucky kids....and teachers!

So, I've been in a shopping frenzy. TodayI had a wake-up call though. I forgot that I scheduled to pay my student loan interest this month (I have my loans deferred while I'm in school, but I still pay the quartely interest). So, I need to halt my spending some since they just took out that $$. I bought some stuff from my friend from work Carole (also the harpist in our wedding). I bought a nice rug for our guest room and a chest for Abby's toys. I also got an antique purse for $3. I bought paper and envelopes from Paper Source. On Wednesday I used our Bed, Bath and Beyond gift cards to buy a brand new vacuum. I spent $23 on it! Gotta love wedding gifts. I vacuumed tonight and for the first time our carpet is actually CLEAN. No dog fur on it! Woo-hoo! My mom also surprised me with a Defurminator! I can't wait. It successfully takes off the undercoat from the dogs. I can't wait to get it because they are shedding like crazy!

Well, the school year is winding down. I'm teaching 7th grade TAKS summer school during the month of June. I think it'll be alright and it will keep me busy. The money is nice too. I need to pad my savings. I know the honeymoon and everything will creep up on us. Oh, how I can't wait for March 2010 when we're on the beaches of Punta Cana, DR with our friends.

Abby is coming this summer. She'll be here June 14th until August. I can't wait. She'll go to the City of Richardson camps again. We're also going to sign her up for drill team camp and art class. My friend Elaina found tickets for the Dallas Children's Theater's performance of the Never Ending Story. Murad and I want to keep her active and busy. I plan to get her a library card and Murad is going to run with her every day. She'll also have chores like walking one of the dogs and making her bed. I think coming down here will be so good for her and us. Having a child here really does change our perspective on things. We're also going to limit how much Hannah Montana she watches. I don't think Murad and I can stand too much of that horrible girl! Bleh!

Murad will take classes this summer. He plans to take a GRE course this summer so he can take the GRE in the fall and apply for classes. He's starting to narrow down the grad school search. Definitely staying in the midwest (Texas, Kansas, Oklahoma) so that we can be driving distance from Abby. I think he's going to apply to counseling psychology Phd programs since they're a little bit easier to get into than clinical psychology Phd programs. Plus counseling psych fits his interests better (marriage/family therapy). He's also applying to a MSW program here in Dallas, too. Our goal is to buy a house wherever we end up, so we need to save for that too. It's all so scary, yet exciting. I just can't wait to see what happens. I feel like everything is going to be great. I just have this feeling that everything is going to be better than we expected! I can honestly say that is how things have been for Murad and me. Whenever things seem impossible, something great surprises us. We have been blessed in so many ways.

So, I've been thinking a lot lately about what makes a mother. With mother's day coming up, it's hard not to think about. I love my mom so much and cherish our relationship. It's a bond no one can replace. She gave birth to me. Everything good that is in me comes from her. However, this week I've seen how horrible mothers can be to their children. How selfish they can be. It makes me sad for the child and the mother. I think motherhood is a gift from God. I can honestly say I'm not ready to be a mother yet. I take that back. I'm not ready to give birth to a child of my own yet. However, I love the motherly roles that I get to play each day. For example, I love being a mother to my dogs. They are my world and all my friends will tell you that if I could talk about Maya and Sam all day I would. They have such unique personalities and they are always there to cheer me up when I am down. I think they do more for me than I do for them! I love being a step-mom! I love doing girly things with Abby. I think if Abby were to live with us I could handle it and be successful at being a full-time stepmom. I hope I can pass down some of the good things I gained from my mom. My hopes for Abby are that she lives life to the fullest and that she never stops learning. I hope she greets people with an open-mind, but is careful with to whom she gives her heart. I hope she is honest with others and honest with herself. Finally, my last motherly role is my teacher role. I kind of ended up with this role by accident. I feel like this year especially my students are crying out. They are so needy and have so many emotional issues. It's hard not to get caught up in it and take it home. There are just too many of them. I have the same hopes and dreams for them as I do Abby. It's just harder to express that to them. It's harder to know if they even care that I care. It's hard to know if they care about themselves.

Well that's my two cents on motherhood. I love my roles. I cannot wait to have some of my own, but for now, I think I need to get a hold of my current roles and be a little selfish. I need a little more me time. Plus, the vain side of me really likes my body. I'm not ready to give it up. I know it'll come back, but it just seems like it'll be so hard! Next Sunday I will celebrate my 4th mother's day as a teacher, my 2nd mother's day as a dog-mommy and 1st mother's day as a stepmother. Happy Mother's Day to me!