Happy New Year, Folks!

2013 has come and gone! While it was a great year, I'm more than ready for 2014! Well, good thing! It's here!
This weekend is a little weird for me. My husband and son are on a road trip. Yep! A father/son road trip. They're stopping at my parents' house tonight and then heading to western Kansas to visit my stepdaughter, Abby. We were able to spend Christmas with Abby and her family this year. Since our spring is pretty hectic, Murad and Joely decided to make a trip to see her again now. She's having a hard time again. They just moved (again)to a different small town in Kansas. I think this makes move #5 for the 2013-14 school year. We talked to Abby about possibly living with her grandmother permanently (we'd love for her to come live with us, but Texas might be too far from her family for her), but Abby extremely loyal to her mom and doesn't want to abandon her at this time. We're respecting her wishes, and offering support when we can.

So, this weekend, they're gone and I'm up late looking through photos from 2013. I like the quiet and having a clean home, but I miss my boys. Fortunately, I have my furry-babies to keep me company.

I've almost got Joel's playroom complete. I need to paint it, but I'm really impressed with how it all turned out. The great thing is that he loves it! He loves to play ball in there, watch TV and color. The room is pretty relaxing. I find myself watching TV in there after he goes to bed. We're kind of preparing the room for him. We're hoping, if it's God's will, that we'll have another baby soon. Joely will then move out of the nursery and into the playroom (big boy room). For now, we're content with the playing purpose of the room. We're actually pretty content with our family too. If we add to it, even better. If not, we're a happy bunch of three (or five if you count Sampson & Maya).

Murad and I refrained from making New Year's resolutions, but we did vow to better ourselves. I'm working with the Plano Environmental Committee to become a volunteer. We're also looking for a way to take a Spanish class. Murad actually suggested it, and I'm totally excited to do something just the two of us. We kind of let those moments get by us in 2012. We were better about scheduling date nights in 2013, but for 2014 we wanna do more activities together. Plus, if we learn Spanish, it'll help us in our jobs. It'll also help Joely. He only gets Spanish once a week at his school, so we're hoping to support and expand it at home. We're also hoping to find a new church home. We're looking for a more open, accepting and service oriented church.

This post would not be complete without an update on our little man! Joely is constantly flourishing. His language is developing daily. Today he saw some lights twinkling far behind a field and he goes, "fireflies!" It was just a cell tower in the distance, but he didn't know. He also likes to point to his favorite Jayhawk shirt. When he says it, he can't pronounce his R's very well. "Mama, it's Jayhawk shit!" So, so funny. Right now he's going through a sports phase. He wants to carry a ball wherever he goes. He's either kicking, throwing or bouncing a ball (he calls basketball "BB-ball"). He also loves to draw pictures for us. One of his favorite activities is cleaning. I wanna see if I can get him a little kitchen set as he likes to point out the fruits and vegetables as I cook. We're working at potty training still. Apparently, he goes regularly at school, but he's not so good about going at home. We decided against moving him up the 3 class until he's pottying at home and school regularly. I think my favorite thing right now are Joely's hugs and kisses. Some days he'll look at me and go, "mommy hug." Then he leans over and gives me the biggest hug. Thinking about those hugs right now makes me miss him even more. Monday will arrive soon and I'll be back to motherhood. I tried to soak up as many hugs as I could before he left, but it's. just. not. enough.

Chchchchanges!

So, I have so many updates regarding our lives. I'm so bad at blogging. I feel like I come on here every few months to update and then I run off!

Okay, so first things is first. Joel is 2!! Joel celebrated his 2nd birthday May 22nd! Yes, our wonderful prince has been here for two whole years. We celebrated his birthday on June 2nd (we still act like he was born in June even though he arrived three weeks early). We had a great party at our home. We pulled out the sprinklers, filled up the baby pool, and set up the water table. I bought a ton of sand buckets and bubbles for the kids to use and take as favors. Murad grilled burgers, and I made pizza balls (thank you, Pinterest!). We also had a delicious buttercreme cake (you know the Campbells love cake!) I think Joely totally enjoyed the party. The next day we went to visit his pediatrician. He's perfectly healthy and at 27 lbs (10th percentile) and 34 inches (50th percentile), he's growing up well. She told us to keep a list of the new words or phrases he says. He's about average in language development, but she wants to make sure he keeps it up.

Prior to Joel's 2nd birthday, my in-laws came to visit over Mother's Day weekend. They came in town (with Murad's stepbrother in tow) to visit Qadree's new home. Qadree (my brother-in-law) moved out of our home in January and purchased a brand new (like, it was still being built) home in March. While we were sad to see him go, we are excited for this new endeavor. We had a great time with them, but as always it was too short. Our boys spoiled Murad's stepmother and me! We had a lovely brunch at Blue Mesa.

In May, we discovered that my dad's brain tumor returned. It was almost eleven years ago that my family traveled to Arkansas for my dad to undergo brain surgery. At the time, the doctors could not get all of the tumor due to its location. They assured us that a gamma knife could zap it if it started to grow. Unfortunately, a gamma knife causes swelling which could lead to paralysis, so when doctors discovered it returned, we didn't know what to expect. My parents traveled to Houston at the end of May to meet with a specialist. Fortunately, the specialist determined that surgery was not the best option. My dad will undergo radiation treatment in Wichita. Even though the trip to Houston was stressful, we got two visits to Plano from Nana & Papa! Joely was so excited to spend time with them!

After my parents left, we spent a week here, and then Joely and I traveled to Wichita to spend a few days with Nana and Papa before dad starts radiation. We also paid a visit to the Sedgwick County Zoo! I'm not sure if Joely was too interested in the animals. He wanted to eat, eat goat food, and run around the animals. He had no interest in petting them or looking at them. He did like the gorilla though, go figure.

Yesterday, we celebrated a wonderful Father's Day. Father's Day usually is hard for Murad because he has such a strained relationship with his daughter (through no fault of her own), but he said yesterday was the best Father's Day he's ever had. All he wanted to do was spend time playing with Joely. It started off kinda rocky because my car battery died while Joely and I were out buying donuts for Murad. He picked us up and paid for a new battery for me. We came home, entertained some out-of-town visitors, made phone calls, opened gifts and napped. Murad gave Joely a haircut, and then I picked up Applebee's for us to eat. By the time I got home, Murad had already put Joely down for bed. We stayed up, ate, and watched True Blood and the Oz Great & Powerful movie. It was a great day and I'm glad he enjoyed it!

Please keep Abby (my stepdaughter) in your thoughts and prayers. We know some things are going on in her home that shouldn't be, but we're hoping that someone will take action. Unfortunately, that means that we can't see her or talk to her at this time. It's been hard, but we have to do what we can from a distance to protect her.

Well, I started off doing lots of blogging for the dental marketing company, but they let me go. Actually, I kinda wanted to get let go. On the day of Joely's birthday, the owner let us know of a mandatory three day training the next week. When I told them I couldn't make it, they seemed put off (I kinda need more than five days notice , especially for a contract job!). In addition, they changed the due dates and turnaround time on many of our writing assignments. I could have adjusted, but the wanted the new due dates to go into action immediately. At this point, I was already done with them, but I expressed my concerns and asked for additional time to adjust. At that time, they let me go. I was actually relieved when I saw my name missing from the weekly calendar. I'm sure they're a great company, but I'm used to working solely online (which I thought this would be with the occasional monthly meeting). Now I have more time to devote to my contract jobs. Right now, I'm finishing up a big project for an online educational company. Ironically, I'm writing study guides for the Texas English II Exams. Once a teacher... I'm also writing articles and case studies for an herbal supplement company. In order to make ends meet, I've been working as an online TA, but the university recently eliminated my position due to low enrollment. I still work 2-3 mornings a week at Collin's Writing Center and I'm going to teach at a summer camp in July.

What I've discovered is that each semester, I have to "find" work. Working as an adjunct means that I'm not guaranteed classes. I would've loved to taught at Collin or Texas Wesleyan this summer, but they didn't have enough classes. Contract work is kinda the same. Some months are really good, and other months, not so much. Nevertheless, I've made it work and I wouldn't trade it for the world. I only send Joely to daycare 2-3 days a week which means that I get to watch him grow and learn. However, I realize that long-term this will not work. While I haven't taken any money out of my retirement account, I haven't put much in. Also, Murad and I finally decided that we would like to have another child in the future. I don't know how I could save up for a maternity leave like I had before. Plus, doing contract work is great with a toddler, but won't work with an infant. I loved having 12 weeks off to bond with Joely when he was an infant, and I want that with another baby. So, I made the decision to return to the traditional full-time workforce this fall. I'll still work in education, but not as a teacher. I'm still waiting for the HR stuff to go through (fingers crossed), but I'm pretty excited!

This means Joel will go to daycare full-time. His current sitter will start college in the fall, so this means she can only watch him 2-3 days a week. We're looking at preschools to send him to on the opposite days. Hopefully, this will help him transition to full-time preschool in the fall of 2014. I'm glad that Joel kinda got the best of both worlds. I was able to be home with him during a big period of growth and learning. I also got to see firsthand how my parenting shaped him. I also got to partake in daily love-fests with him. I love those random hugs and kisses he gives me throughout the day. Man, I'm tearing up just thinking about going back to work.

What to call a half-sibling?

As you all know, I'm rather intrigued by half-sibling relationships. Even before Joel and Abby arrived in my life, I thought it would) be cool to have a half-sibling (I never wanted a step-sibling, ironically...maybe because you can still call a half-sibling "brother" or "sister" and you really can't with step-siblings.) Since I didn't get to have one, I'm excited that Joel does! We've decided that we'll tell him that Abby is his half-sibling for learning purposes, but he'll refer to her as his sister. I came across this blog post while doing research for an article. I thought I'd share.

How do you mend a broken heart?

I wish I could mend my hubby's broken heart. I hate to see him so, so down. I thought he was on the up and up, but Sunday was worse than Friday. We didn't go to the park. We didn't go to downtown Plano. At one time, I saw him closing the blinds on all the windows I had opened. He didn't even realize he was doing it. It was all subconscious. I wish there was a way to let him know he's not a failure.

He is reaching out and I'm thankful for that. I'm also thankful for the smile he gets on his face when Joely squeals with laughter. That boy seriously loves him some daddy. I'm thankful that hearing his daughter's voice cheered him up. Last night she called and he was thrilled. She was too. She genuinely sounded excited to talk to him. Afterwards, he said that Abby was such an inspiration. Her life is a lot harder than most kids. No matter what life throws at her, she is always cheerful, happy and usually smiling a big Campbell grin. I reminded him that she gets that from him.

I've never met a person so passionate about achieving his goals. When I met Murad he had barely graduated from a private college in New Jersey. He was going back to school to get a drug counselor certificate. Before moving here, he decided he wanted to go back to school the right way. He wanted to be a role model for his daughter since she didn't have very many. His first time in college, he was on an athletic scholarship. He also bounced around from college to college before finally graduating. This time, he was determined to do it right. He went back to school and got not only another bachelor's degree, but a master's degree. School wasn't easy for him either. Growing up he was in special ed due to reading problems and was always made to feel dumb when compared to his brother. He never let that get him down. Now, I see those insecurities creeping back in. The "I'm not good enough," is back.

I know that once he gets his license this will all be behind him,
but it is just so hard right now to realize that. He is not only a role model for Abby and Joel, but he's an inspiration to so many people. He's an inspiration to those who were called dumb or told they couldn't do something. I hope that he'll share his story with the world. I love him so much. I'm so lucky that he's my partner in life and the father of my son. He is my hero!

19 weeks

Well today Joel is 19 weeks. That is almost five months week-wise. Yesterday he and I ventured to Babies R Us to pick up some toys for him. Of course there are no toys that are labeled "five months," so my choices were three months and six months. We went with six months because he's pretty active, and the challenge associated with toys for that age may be good for him. Plus, most of the six month toys were good for up to 36 months of age. So, we got this toy with balls that fly everywhere. The baby on the box looked really happy. Fisher-Price does a good job of labeling their toys with information concerning the developmental tasks the babies will reach when playing with the toy. With this particular one, he'll increase his gross motor skills, learn cause and effect, and one other skill. The teacher in me is really excited to watch how this toy works to teach these skills and then what we can do to mimic that for a cheaper cost (these toys are expensive...thank goodness we have a ton of gift cards still)
Joely reaches and grabs things, but up until today I didn't see him do it often. Sometimes when I rattle things in front of him, he doesn't really try to grab them. Of course, all babies are different so I wasn't really concerned. Today, Joel and I woke up and we played with one of his block toys. It is a large block that has different things on it that he can move around. He really focused on the items on the block and loved grabbing them and moving them. He got so excited that he knocked it off the table. Mr. Soup was really happy about that. Don't ask why! I guess he likes that his son likes destruction.
After we played we read Trick or Treat with Elmo. The book is pretty busy, but Joely had fun pushing the buttons. He then had some tummy-time and after his time was up, I put on Spongebob and he stayed on his tummy with his head up to watch. So cute! He also grabbed the little music-maker on his tummmy time mat and pulled it to his face.
We tried having Joel sleep in his nursery this week. He slept in there two nights this week (woo-hoo!). We're really trying to be organic about the whole thing, so if we put him in there and he cries for twenty minutes then we take him out and bring him into our room and put him in his pack n' play. I think Mr. Soup and I aren't quite ready to have him sleep in his own room, but we realize that we don't want him sleeping in our room still this time next year.
So, work for Mr. Soup is going really well, but work me is blah still. I'm trying not to get too down about it. I just need to not take my job too seriously. My main concern, as always, is my students. I have to remember to always put their interest first and not worry about all the other stuff that complicates things. I think I'm probably too sensitive in some ways and I want to do the best job all around and not make mistakes. I think I'm probably way too critical on myself as well. I know I feel as though I'm not doing my best as a teacher, but when I look around I see a bunch of people doing even less than me. Not that I compare myself to anyone else...well...yeah..I do..which is why I've been feeling down in the dumps. While another career choice might be ideal for me, I just can't imagine doing anything else. I really do love teaching and I really love teaching middle school students. I just know that the environment in which I'm in is not allowing me to be the teacher I want to be. I hate the current educational climate--high stakes testing, but it's the same everywhere. What can I do? Luckily, I do have an opportunity to be the teacher I want to be every week when I teach at the community college.
So, to add even more drama to my life, my stepdaughter's mother is acting really strange. She successfully turned my stepdaughter against not only us, but also Abby's maternal grandparents; however, now her mother is trying to push Abby onto us more. I can tell my stepdaughter doesn't want to talk to us and we've kind of respected that. When she wants to call we let her talk, but we don't force her to call us. Now her mom calls us and has my stepdaughter call us and kind of coaches her in the background. The other day she called Mr. Soup and told him that she not only wanted Abby to spend Christmas with us, but she also wanted Abby's little sister too. Yeah. Obviously, we felt conflicted. I know that's probably hard on Abby's sister to see her go spend time with her dad and now that Abby has a little brother, her sister is jealous. Our time is valuable though too and we don't want Abby to have to share us with her sister. So, we kind of put our foot down and said no about the little sister and that Abby could spend Christmas with us only if she wanted to. I just wish I could figure out what her mom is up to and how we should act in the best interest of Abby. On top of that, Abby hates school and is being bullied by kids because of her weight and hygiene. I'm trying to see what anti-bullying program they have at her school, but I fear that they may not have one at all. School is Abby's one outlet from her home-life. She excels and always performs above her classmates. An avid reader, she retains and applies so much of what she reads. I'm afraid she'll grow to hate school and drop-out once she reaches high school.
Yeah, so I hate to end this post on a sad note. I have a knack for that right. You can always scroll back up and re-read the section on my little Joely. He's pretty amazing, right?

Joel's Baptism Weekend

Mr. Soup, Joel and I headed up to Kansas this past weekend. This was our first official road trip in our new car and Joel's first road trip. I will say that he did so well on the way to Kansas. He slept the entire time. We stopped once for gas and so that I could nurse him and change his diaper. It's kind of difficult to breast-feed a baby in a car, but we did it!
We arrived late Friday night in Wichita. Of course, Joel's Nana was up and ready for some cuddle time with her grandson! She was so excited to see him. The next morning we headed up to the church to go over the baptism with our pastor. It was really cool to talk about what baptism and raising Joel in the Christian faith means to us, especially to hear Mr. Soup talk about it. He talked about the fellowship he wants Joel to have with his Christian brothers and sisters. Our hope is that Joel will speak about his faith to others as well and be a light onto others. His baptism was such an important event in his life and he doesn't even know it! What a gift!
After the meeting we headed over to where Abby was staying with her grandparents. What a joy it was to see her. We don't see her often, but each time we do see her we're reminded of what a great child she is! I wish I could say that her home life has improved, but in fact it has taken a turn for the worse. Abby has really had to grow up quickly and worry about things that she should not have to worry about. However, this weekend, she really got to be a kid. She was so excited to meet her little brother, although I do suspect it was a little difficult to go from being her daddy's only child to sharing him. Murad and Abby decided to do a little shopping and he took her up to Chuck E Cheese's to meet up with his cousins. It was good for them to have some daddy-daughter time. I think he realized that what happened last summer had nothing to do with Abby's feelings towards us. She has been put in the position of being the adult at home and she did not want to be away from her mom. She told Murad that she worries about her mom all the time and doesn't want to be away from her. Such a sad statement, but a real testament to the loyalty Abby has for her mother.
I went on back to my parents house to introduce Joel to his Uncle Ryan and his girlfriend Renee. They flew in Saturday afternoon from Indianapolis. Of course, Ryan was immediately in love with his little nephew (who isn't?)!
That night, Murad and I went to dinner at Joel's godparents' home. We had a great evening introducing (we did lots of introducing this weekend) Joel to his godparents. We are so lucky to have them in Joel's life and so glad they accepted!
The next morning we got up bright and early for the baptism. Of course getting there wasn't without its drama, but we made it! The ceremony was so, so special. Seeing him with his godparents was an amazing experience. Listening to the words spoken over him and hearing the prayers said by the congregation made the experience an unforgettable one. This was probably the 2nd best day of my life (besides his birth). I just can't describe how happy I was that day.
We have his candle and garments here and I just keep looking at them. Our church also gave him $50 in a college fund through Mission Financial. We were pretty excited about this, as we've been meaning to do this. I really like Mission Financial because our investment goes towards helping build homes and churches across the world.
After the ceremony we had a lovely reception in church fellowship hall where everyone got to hold Joel! He was so alert and excited to see everyone! That night he slept from 10:30pm until 7am! Wow! He also slept in a crib the entire visit (the crib happened to be the same crib Ryan and I used as babies)
We spent the rest of the day visiting friends. Mr. Soup and I left Joel at home with Nana and Papa so that we could go out for a double date with some friends of ours.
The next day, we hung out around the house (we were pretty exhausted after being on the go so much) and then we headed back to Texas. Joel did not do so well in the car this time. We had to stop 3x. We decided to stay a little longer in OKC and eat a real dinner rather than fast food. We stopped in Bricktown and walked around while we waited for a table. It was pretty fun, but there is not much to do in OKC! ha! After our 3rd stop, Joel slept soundly the rest of the way. I guess he doesn't like traveling during the day, so we're going to have to make sure we travel at night. We did survive though and what a great weekend it was!
This week will be exclusive for snuggling and cuddling with my man before I go back to work! I'm going to try to work-out , go out with some friends one night and maybe squeeze in a date-night too. Ugh and laundry of course...

a strange call

last night Mr. Soup got a call from my stepdaughter. this was odd because we've been battling to have more time/phone calls with her. Up until last night, we only spoke to her if she was at her grandmother's house. We had decided to let God take that situation into his own hands and so we backed off. We did this partly because we were so broken from the whole experience and partly because my stepdaughter expressed a desire to have one family. So we hadn't made attempts to call and stopped bombarding her with care packages. We still kept in touch with her teacher until her mother moved her to two new cities in a one-month time span. However, we always were there for her when she called and we always let her know that we loved her and that she could call us anytime for any reason.

Last night she called from her mom's house. She wanted our address to send me a baby card. She's really excited about getting a baby brother. She also wanted to tell Mr. Soup about how her parent-teacher conference went at her new school. She knows that we place a high importance on her academics. We've always been involved in that area with attending conferences and rewarding her for good report cards. I think most importantly, she wants her daddy to be proud.

It felt good to know that she does still see us as her family and that despite everything she can still call her daddy. Things will never be the way they once were and we're pretty adamant that they won't be. We have so much to look forward to now, that we can't look back on what could have been. Nor do we want to look back. She will always be part of our family in a different way than before. We have learned to accept that. We've let her define what family is to her and we have done the same as well. It feels good to say that I'm okay with that. I think in our absence a lot of healing took place in our hearts and in hers.

2010 financial successes/new year's resolutions

being financially fit is a goal that we have for our family. In the past we haven't made the best decisions with saving and spending, but we strive now more than ever since we are bringing a little one into the world. I hope we can teach him or her to spend and save wisely. However, if this baby is a girl, I can't promise that he or she won't have a shopping addiction like her mother....
we did have some success in 2010
highs:
-we stopped using credit cards and what we did use, we paid off immediately as to not incur interest
-we paid off one credit card
-we bought a house
-we put more in savings
-we now have a monthly emergency fund
-saved $70 a month by not relaxing (perming) my hair
-switched energy providers and saved $100+ per month (we pay less than we did when we lived in our apartment)
-paid off my car

lows:
-if we want to buy a new car, we need to pay down the rest of our debt...Although, we stopped incurring debt, we didn't really pay down much. it looks like we may not buy a new car until 2012 or 2013...and it's looking like it may be a mini-van (sigh....another post on that)
-we didn't tithe regularly or I should I say I didn't since I go to church. I will say this has more to do with my sporadic attendance at church....something I need to work on in the new year.
- we now have a balance on our GAP card....it's $100, but still a balance.
New Year's Resolutions (financial and not)
-pay down debt
-continue to put more in savings
-share more of the household duties...while Mr. Soup was in grad school, the majority of our duties fell on me. We need to get our balance back before the baby arrives.
-paint the kitchen, living room and nursery. I foresee the nursery being painted first and the other two in late 2011.
-keep our travel fund full. with Baby Soup arriving, it will be hard to travel regularly. However, my goal is for us to take some family trips, Mr. Soup and me trips, and maybe a girls' trip. Traveling is something that is important to Mr. Soup and me. We are definitely not going to stop traveling in 2011. In fact, we will take our annual trip to NJ and I'm hoping we'll have enough for another cruise (once I get my body back...don't laugh!)
-accept that I cannot control how things turn out with my stepdaughter. This is hard, but I know I have to do it for my sanity. I never truly understood what my husband went through with his daughter until this summer. He has had his daughter ripped from him over and over by her mentally ill mother and passive, enabling grandparents. I felt that pain this summer. My heart was broken over and over. I'm not sure if I ever got over it fully. This will be the first Christmas that we haven't had my stepdaughter. I shudder to think of what kind of Christmas she will have (her mother doesn't even wrap their presents). I have to get over the pain I felt when my she left for a life of poverty, instability and neglect from a home where she was loved, clean and attended to each day. For now, I have to be content with the sporadic phone calls and visits we have. I have to be content with being the weekend dad and step-mom.
While Baby Soup will never take the place of Abby, he or she will have everything that Abby didn't. This baby will always know what an amazing big sister he or she has (SN: Abby is totally excited about Baby Soup. She asked if I could have a boy, so she could have a brother) Most importantly, I will have a baby that no one can take away from Mr. Soup and me. If I could hold this baby close to me everyday and never let him or her go, I would. However, I know I cannot transfer my feelings of loss and heartbreak onto this innocent life. While I want to suffocate this baby with love and attention all the time, I know my duty as a mom is to provide opportunity for growth. So, I guess in my long-winded way of saying it, my goal is two-fold: Accept my limited role as stepmother and embrace balance as I strive to be the best mother to Baby Soup.
-my next goal is to achieve balance as a wife, mother, teacher, friend, sister, daughter, etc. I realize my marriage is my #1 priority. If I don't put my marriage first, I won't be a good mother. Fortunately, we have been blessed with friends who have offered to babysit. However, I also want to make time to be a good teacher, and spend time with friends and family regularly.
-last goal is to be an awesome mama! I know I will lose major coolness once Baby C hits puberty, but for now I can't wait to raise the most awesome kid ever! This baby oozes coolness and here's why....no morning sickness, very little weight gain, cute ass sonogram pic, awesome summer-time timing, etc. This baby has made pregnancy enjoyable so far and although I know it will get worse, I am thankful that my 1st trimester was a breeze compared to most. Although, I do hate the acne!
That's it! Hopefully writing down my new year's goals on the internet for the world to see will keep me accountable!

some quotes from John Ciardi

love this guy's quotes. I don't even know who he is? Maybe I should look him up. I have this one on my teacher bulletin board in my room:
The classroom should be an entrance into the world, not an escape from it.
I think this pretty much sums up why I teach. Each year it is a struggle to make lessons exciting and fresh for students, especially when I'm essentially told what to teach (more on that in another entry), but I do it to open a world for students. Maybe, just maybe they'll discover a dream or become inspired in my classroom. On Saturday mornings when I dread driving out to McKinney to teach those "developmental" writers, I remind myself that they're already on their journey toward their dream (or maybe they're rediscovering it or maybe it's changed). I get to help them find their voice and be heard. I help them discover the world around them. They (junior high and college) help me do the same. I've learned so much about the world from them. I think there are so many times that I assume that everyone had the same supportive parents that I did. I think my definition of what a good parent is changes too. I no longer look down on those parents who don't call me back or show up to parent night or send their kids to school in dirty clothes. They are parents and 90% of them are doing the best that they can with what they have. My job is to support them in school and open up a world they may never know.
There is nothing wrong with sobriety in moderation.
My job is tough and the rewards are few. I like to have fun....in moderation.
Intelligence recognizes what has happened. Genius recognizes what will happen.

Gentility is what is left over from rich ancestors after the money is gone.
So much of who I am is because of my family. Even though my paternal grandparents are gone, I am who I am because of the time they invested in me. The lessons they taught me are invaluable.

A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in the students.
This is why I love teaching at a community college. It's all about the students!
Every parent is at some time the father of the unreturned prodigal, with nothing to do but keep his house open to hope.
I don't know what the future holds with my stepdaughter. Even though we can't be a part of her life. I will never give up hope. Parental Alienation Syndrome is a bitch, but I hope in my heart she will beat the odds. I hope she will rise from her circumstances and shine. I don't consider her a prodigal in the truest sense (she's barely 9, let's be real), but I will never give up hope.
Poetry lies its way to the truth.
doesn't it?
Written by a sponge dipped in warm milk and sprinkled with sugar.
That's me!

another rainy day

literally...
it's raining. I'm waiting on Mr. Soup to come home so we can cuddle up and watch TV. Our new flat screen TV is perfect for days like this.
today was kind of rainy with my heart too. my stepdaughter's mother told us that she no longer wants us in my stepdaughter's life.i guess us calling, sending packages, sending cards of encouragement was hard for her mom. even though my stepdaughter cried that she wanted to be able to talk to her daddy, her mom said she didn't want it. it's sad. we could fight it, but our lawyer said we would invest thousands of dollars and we still would probably lose. it's hard to prove neglect, especially in that small town. our only way would be to get my stepdaughter to testify against her mother and we hate to do that to a her. no matter how messed up her mom is, it's still not fair.
i really wish that we could've been a perfect blended family. my hope was that she would benefit from both families. i still have some hope that things will change, but i have learned not to get my hopes up. i've also subscribed to the theory that everything happens for a reason. maybe this experience will make my stepdaughter stronger. i know it may shape her negatively, but i hope she can channel this into something positive. i hope the universe will protect her.
maybe mr. soup and i needed to be free from this for a while so that we can heal and prepare our hearts for the family we will have in the future. i think we focused too much on fixing something we couldn't rather than allowing what we have to grow. And I think it is time to "grow" our family. In fact, Mr. Soup and I are hoping that some day soon we'll add to our family. Lately, I've been thinking of things I want to do before we have more kids and I can honestly can say there is nothing more that I want to do, because I realize I can do many of those things while being a mom. Although, Mr. Soup did tell me we need to be prepared to go into debt so that we can attend the super bowl this spring in dallas. not sure of how i feel about that one, but I'll take it! okay, so below is a list of my regrets, accomplishments and goals:
regrets:
1. not studying abroad in college. i think i was too scared to do it. i should've traveled more. it's something i hope our kids do. incidentally one of my goals is to travel more. Mr. Soup and I are passionate about traveling with our kids when we have them. we want to show them the world and teach them to appreciate different cultures.
2. okay so that's really my only regret. because let's face it, i had a blast in college! i loved it and i miss it, but i have no desire to go back. oh not being in love with a stupid ex-boyfriend for two years of college..that would be a regret, but i take it as a learning experience. prepared me for the one who would cherish my heart!
accomplishments:
1. meeting a guy at a totally random place and then marrying him. this is pretty cool for me because i'm not a risk taker by nature. most people marry someone who they've known for a significant amount of time. marrying someone who i met an airport is pretty kick-ass!
2. teaching at a community college. it was one of my long-term goals and i think i reached it in a fairly short amount of time. i absolutely love it! I'm glad I did it!
3. making kids enjoy reading....uh big time accomplishment if you've met this generation's youth.
4. i'll have to think of some more, but i'm sure there are tons. oh having not only one master's degree, but two. yep that's right. between mr. soup and me, we have 6 and half degrees: me- 1 bachelor's 2 master's and him: 1 associate's, two bachelor's and he's almost done with his master's. i'm glad i got my first master's (English Ed.) and I'm glad I got my 2nd (Educational Admin.), but getting the 2nd one helped me realize how much I don't want to be principal. In fact, I'm hoping to either stay in the junior high classroom, move to HS or teach full-time at a community college.
goals:
1. travel
2. get a new car in the next few years. I really want a mazda cx9, but I'm leaning towards a mazda 5 (minivan)...it actually doesn't look like a mini-van (it's small and sleak) and it starts at $18,000 (I can't justify spending $35,000 for a car), so I could pay it off quickly!
3. plant a garden in our backyard...i've been procrastinating mostly because I'm afraid the dogs will poop in it.
4. i need to think of some more goals
so that is this rainy day post in a nutshell. it's a little sad. a little optimistic. but it's all me!

1st day of school

Well, the first day of my 6th year has come and gone. Surprisingly, my classes are smaller than they usually are which is great! I really do miss my 7th graders from last year (now big 8th graders), but I enjoy seeing them in the halls. Some of them have grown, but the majority of them are still small. yay! Of course, they're all too cool!
My classroom looks great, which is amazing because usually my classroom looks like crap. My student-teacher created lots of posters last year so i was able to utilize them this year. I also added some of my own decorations. I will take pictures and post later.
I've got some interesting children this year. I have some kids that are just odd. I have some really stellar, helpful kids. I have lots of younger siblings of former students. I have a very diverse crowd too.I have a large number of students whose first language is not English. Surprisingly, the majority of those students are from some part of Asia. I have quite a few Chinese, Japanese, Korean and Vietnamese students. In addition, I have a large number of students from the Middle East and Africa (Ethiopia and Egypt). Pretty cool, I think. I'm used to having large numbers of students from Mexico and other Central and South American countries, but I think this will be a nice mix.
I love the diversity of my students and am reminded of what is going on in our nation with those opposing at Islamic Community Center. Shame on them for not wanting to promote peace and healing. That is not the Christian thing to do. While it has been nine years since 9/11, I think healing needs to begin. We are a nation divided and building the Islamic Center could help speed up the healing process. I think we need to recognize the good that could come from this instead of focusing on the bad. We need to remember that just as Christian terrorists do not speak for all Christians neither do Muslim terrorists. Followers of Islam were just as affected by the tragedy of 9/11 as anyone else. Islam is a beautiful, peaceful religion. However, some idiots within the religion and outside of the religion tend to highlight the small, negative percentage. I say let the healing begin. As a teacher, I say let the learning begin. What a great nation we would be if we all learned to respect and understand each others' faiths and cultures?
Speaking of healing. Things are going much better as far as our relationship is concerned with my stepdaughter. She is going to shine this year in 3rd grade. She is playing volleyball this fall and participating in mini-cheer camp. She also is participating in Girl Scouts and Mid-Week at her church. Things are still strained with her mom, so keep us in your prayers and thoughts in that regard. However, we are excited about our daughter, the exciting things happening in her life, and being able to share in that with her.

just when you give up hope.....

things start to look up. a light appears in an otherwise dark tunnel. it's only a little bit of light, but I think with that little bit of light we can really impact my stepdaughter's life. I think we can start to rebuild and have a positive relationship. I will never go through what I went through this summer with thinking she would come live with us and that she would have a "normal,"stable life. I won't do that to myself again, but it seems as though we can have an impact from afar. I feel like my husband can be a father to her (even if it is part-time parenting). even though I was devastated that she wouldn't live with us, it was best for us. it wasn't best for her, but Mr. Soup and I are really enjoying our time as a childless couple (with the exception for our fur-babies). I've also learned to accept that some people just cannot escape dysfunction. and although we want to shield her from that dysfunction, we can't. All we can do is to try to equip her with the tools to be a good person. That's okay. I can provide support and not let myself get sucked into it. I need to remember to remain neutral, supportive and firm. This will serve me well as a teacher and professor this school year, as well! Continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers...

the last

i think this will be the last post on this topic for a while. i do feel a sense of peace and acceptance concerning the issue. I no longer feel sad and I don't feel as guilty. It is hard to know that your child has to live a difficult life, when you are fully capable of providing her with a great childhood. Because of that, I do feel a sense of guilt It's hard to know that she no longer values our half of her family. It no longer hurts me, but I do feel that she is being hurt by that. I do worry about my stepdaughter's future. I worry that she won't have a future.

i don't know if my stepdaughter will ever want us in her life again or if her family will decide our presence is important again. however, I have no control over what transpires in the coming years. our arms will always be open, but I realize that it's best for us to live our lives to the fullest. this may not be what is best for her, but it is out of our control now. all we can do is be supportive from afar and do what we need to do to be better people and to be better spouses to each other. I have too much to live for than to throw a pity-party for myself. I need to focus on the family I have and not what I don't have.

Please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

another summer comes to an end...

summer is coming to an end. Next week I officially return to work and this week I had my official orientation to my new community college teaching position. Despite all the trials and tribulations we experienced, it has been a good summer and I'm sad to see it go. Even though things did not go as planned with my stepdaughter, there was some good that came out of it. I know deep down in my heart that we did everything in our power to create a better life for her. We rearranged our whole world (as any parent should) to make her life better. And although it hurts that she and her family do not want that, we have no control in the situation. my heart still hurts. I am powerless. at times I feel guilty, and at times I feel robbed. Most importantly, I feel that she is being robbed of a good life and quality childhood.

When we put my stepdaughter first, I did not see what I was missing and I do not regret missing those things. I think most parents do not realize what they're missing because the joy of being a parent far outweighs anything. I went to buy a bed a couple of months ago and the salesman asked if my husband and I planned to have kids (I guess he thought we were using the bed to get busy!). I told him yes and he went on about how great being a parent is. He said, "People talk about what you miss out on having a kid, but you don't miss anything. You gain so much." I wholeheartedly believe this to be true. However, I now have perspective as both a parent and a suddenly childless person. So here are my reflections:

1. marriage-- Mr. Soup and I did get caught up in putting our child first. Date nights took a back seat when she was here. I think this was our first big mistake. Parents will tell you that you need to put your marriage first in order to be a good parent, and I did not realize this until now. This summer has been about connecting and reconnecting as a couple. Even though we've only been married for a year, we did get into the "lets just watch a movie" date night routine. Now we are committed to not only making date nights routine, but making them more fun. Mr. Soup is on a spontaneity kick too. Everything has to be spontaneous so that we don't get in a rut. I love it! I do think we were given this opportunity to see this perspective so that when we have children in the future, we will not make the same mistake. My time with him is important. It recharges me, as he inspires me in so many ways.

2. personal and professional goals--I was able to achieve many of those goals simultaneously while being a parent, but I think I let finding new professional goals take a back seat. I am so blessed to have a job which I love, but I know that I may not do this forever. I am blessed that I earned my master's at a young age, so that I have some flexibility to explore other career options. This summer, I finally acted on one of my professional goals and that is teaching at the college level. I took a chance and applied to 3 or 4 colleges in the spring and this summer I was asked to teach developmental writing at a local community college. This combines my love of teaching writing with the goal of teaching at a college. This is something I know I would've achieved, but did not expect to achieve so soon. It is something I may not have acted on as a mother, but it is something I know I can do when I become a mother.

Another goal I have is to be a more reflective teacher. I'm hoping this year to really learn from my teaching practices. I am considering going for National Teacher Board Certification and possibly pursuing my doctorate in English Education. I don't know if I'll do either anytime in the near future (I have to find someone to fund both of them), but it's something I'm considering. I'm a nerd, I know. I just really want to focus on making my classroom an environment of learning and not just memorization and recitation. I think NTBC would force me to stay on track in that area.

One personal goal was to lose weight....haven't achieved with a child or without, but damnit I will!

Those are just some things I've noticed this summer. After writing this, I realize that a lot of this comes from not only being childless, but also being student-less. Being away from my 140 students this summer was nice. I'm glad I didn't teach summer school and because of that I will never teach it again. I do feel recharged and ready to face the masses! I also realize that becoming a parent doesn't mean limiting yourself. I need to achieve my goals and not be afraid to find new ones. I should not feel guilty about becoming a better person. After having this experience, I know I won't!

this too shall pass

after doing lots of praying, thinking, soul-searching this week. I do feel a little better about the situation with my stepdaughter. I gained insight from adults who went through this as children and from a mother who is experiencing the same thing we are. we discussed how cheated we feel that we rearranged our whole lives to put our children's needs first only to be shut out. She by the courts and us by our own daughter (and in essence the courts if you count what my husband went through six years ago). I have to practice some acceptance that this is our situation. I cannot change or push or control things no matter how badly I try. I know this and it's fine. We can remain supportive and give her the space she desires (side-note: I do think it's ridiculous that a child has this much control and power, but I practice acceptance). I realize there are many modes of support from simple cards and letters to more technology-friendly communications. I just want her to know that we love her and always will. We will be a safe-haven if she ever needs us. Do I regret all we've done? No Way! We built memories, shared values and truly were functioning as a blended family. I cherish those moments and find it odd that I didn't buy school supplies this year. I feel a void each day I get up and realize I have no one to drive to camp. I don't have my SplashPark & 7/11 Slurpee buddy. I don't have a reason to visit the children's section of the library. Those are my voids and they probably aren't voids in her life (however, I do feel like she's missing out on a lot...maybe I'm bias). I realize it's not worth being angry. I also realize that we can't put our lives on hold either. One of the biggest mistakes parents make is putting their children before their marriage and I think we were guilty of this in some regards. This summer has been great for us to reconnect as a couple and it's something we need to be cognizant of, especially when we have more children.

I don't know if things will ever get better, but I can choose how I act and react. I want to remain present in her life in whatever way I can. I'll remain supportive even if she pushes us away. I also have to set up boundaries as well.

Thanks to all of you who have shared your stories with us or just been there to lend an ear. you do not realize how valuable you are in our lives.

This too shall pass

A Promise to Ourselves

recently i read the book A Promise to Ourselves by Alec Baldwin. it details his struggle to remain in his daughter's life after his divorce from Kim Basinger. Throughout the book, he gives many resources that advocate for fathers' rights. His book was very inspiring, but at the end I never got a sense of closure. I guess it just really set in the reality of our situation. It will be an ongoing battle to remain in my stepdaughter's life. Sadly, for most single parents this is a reality. Fathers are seen as second class parents. No matter how hard I(we) tried to make it one big family for her, there are just too many forces against us. Now she, like many children of divorce or single parents, realizes that her dad's family is the second rate family. So what do we do? Do we keep fighting and forcing a child to spend time with a family she doesn't value? Or do we back off and let her live her life and continue to live our lives? I don't have an answer. I'm not sure I ever will, but I'm okay with that.

i am an adult

I have to remember that. I have to. I can't be upset. She's eight. She's homesick. It's expected. It's not personal to us. For the past year and a half her mom worked all the time and now that she's able to be home, my stepdaughter feels like she's missing out. Of course she does. What eight year old wouldn't want their mother. Plus, she comes to Texas and her daddy has a new house in a big city that she never really was comfortable with before. In her hometown, she knows everyone and where everything is. Here everything is big and scary. I have to understand that and know that she is not taking it out on us. We are the adults. We have to help her through this time. pray that we will!

what i've seen

things are different this summer. my stepdaughter used to be so eager to come spend her summers here and now she's not. She whines and cries every night. She has good eventful days, and then when it's time for bed is when the whining starts.

She used to be so sweet, kind and generous. She used to have nothing but nice things to say about people. The other day she had a play-date with my friend's daughter and she called my friend mean for making her clean up her snack area. She would've never done that before. She used to take pride in doing the right thing. I feel like I don't know her. I can't blame her though. we are the product of environment and when no one has held you accountable for your actions, why start now.

I so wanted for her to be accountable. I wanted her to be healthy. I wanted her to have a chance at going to college. I wanted her to be safe. I wanted her to have a childhood as close to normal as possible. I have to realize that these wants are just not possible. I know I don't always quote it right, but one mother from "Autism: The Musical" said something very powerful. "I have to accept that my child's normal is not what I wanted it to be." And I have to accept the same for my stepdaughter and learn to be okay with it.

Her mother wants another chance to be the mother she couldn't be before. And I understand that and I accept that. Besides, I think if it is possible, safe and healthy, then a mother should be with her child. I just hope that it is the safest and healthiest option for her.

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers, especially my stepdaughter. Let's make this the best week and a half possible!

this is it...

Well, this is it. I've prayed and thought about this long and hard. Mr. Soup and I have done everything in our power, but it's not going to happen. For those of you who know, Mr. Soup and Abby's mom planned to have Abby come live with us permanently. They both agreed that it would be best for her future. However, that has changed. I'm kind of numb right now. I feel like for so long, I wanted to make Abby's life better. I think I almost obsessed over it. Now, I feel like I finally have permission to let go. We can focus on our little family. I know people probably have lots of opinions on this matter, but I ask that you respect Abby, our family and her family. I just wanted to let everyone know that she will not be coming to live with us. this is it.

do we want fathers in our lives or not?

When I first met Mr. Soup he was embroiled in an ugly battle with his "baby mama." For those of you who don't know the story, my husband has a beautiful daughter. She truly is a gift from God. When I married Mr. Soup I was lucky in not only gaining an amazing husband, but also a lovely, creative, energetic stepdaughter.
Unfortunately, there are a lot of things that keep him from being the father he wants to be to his daughter. Like I said, there was a time when his daughter's mother did not want him involved in her life. Luckily, she and Mr. Soup have developed a great relationship for the sake of their daughter. His daughter's mom is one the biggest supporters of Mr. Soup being in her life. In fact, she would like for his daughter to come live here. Despite this, there are other major obstacles. Since Mr. Soup did not learn he had a daughter until she was almost two years old, he is not listed on her birth certificate. And while, this can usually be cleared up by going before a judge and adding his name to it, it's not that simple for him.
In the state of Kansas paternity is assumed by marriage. Meaning that if two people are married, they are assumed to be the parents of the child the woman gives birth to. Since his daughter's mother was married at the time, her husband was automatically assumed to be the father of my husband's daughter. Are you lost yet? so were we. We now have to locate this guy (he's been out of the picture for years) and get him to consent to relinquishing his rights.
It makes me angry, but I have no one to be angry at. I admire my stepdaughter's mother for getting married and trying to make a family when my husband wasn't there. I admire my husband for not giving up and continuing to be there for his daughter despite all the legal issues. I understand why the state of Kansas has this law, but it still makes me upset. Kansas is very conservative fiscally and morally. They want to preserve families and save money. I get that. If a child is born to a woman and the father is not around, then when the woman is not able to care for the child properly, the state has to step in with welfare and other monies. However, if there is a father in the picture, no matter if he is biological or not, he can be forced to pick up the financial slack.
However, in doing this we're not preserving families, we're dividing them. In the case of my husband, and countless others, they are not able to provide for their children because someone is standing in the way. There are probably thousands of children who grow up not knowing their biological parent because of this stupid law. We are stripping children of their identities before they are old enough to spell the word. The fathers aren't given the opportunity. And is it fair for men who are not the natural father to be stuck paying child support for a child who is not theirs? We need to examine if we really make it easy for fathers to be there for their kids. Sure there are deadbeat dads, but there are those who have pride in their children and in their role as fathers.
So, anyways, keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we challenge the system. I try not to blog about it too much here because it's not about me, but sometimes you just have to vent. We all want what's best for her and I'm hoping that this summer a judge will make that possible.