Thursday, April 23, 2009

i used to...

i used to have time
i used to be single
i used to sleep alone
i used to go work out
i used to make meals for one
and pretend it was fun
i used to have a cousin

now i have no time
now i am married
i sleep with two dogs
i seldom work-out
i make meals for two
and as fun as it is
i still miss him

and i realize now it's okay to move on
it's okay to miss him
it's okay to celebrate
it's okay to be happy

it's okay to be who i need to be...

just one of those days where I feel blah. missing Philip. I got pictures of Willie from Basic Training sans mohawk. I'm so proud of him. It was good to see him and to know he's okay. I know Jessica (his wife...not my cousin...well she is my cousin now, but not Philip & Willie's sister Jessi) is having a hard time. she won't see him until December and that's when they have their official wedding ceremony. It reminds me of when Murad and I first dated. I felt agony for the months he was away and I never ever want to go through that again. Our life is SO good now and sometimes I feel guilty that Philip isn't here. I feel guilty that he can't see his little brother get married. I sometimes feel as though we should all stand still. It's just a feeling I get every now and then. I know I shouldn't stand still, but it is hard sometimes. It's hard not to wonder how things would be if he were still here. it's hard not to wonder who i would be. it's hard not to wonder who he would be.

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