Let me start this by saying that being a mom is wonderful! This is by far the best "role" I've had in my life. I wake up everyday and marvel at my little prince. His smile lights up the room and can melt both his father and me. He truly is the best thing to happen to either one of us. I don't think we fully realized how rewarding parenthood is until he came into our lives. I think we are now more thankful for our parents and all they sacrificed for us.
I am struggling to find a balance though. Everything with parenting has it's ups and downs. I never experienced a love like this before. I have never been so happy until now. I never have wanted to give all of my being to one person before. Everything in my body is saying give, give, give to this little guy, but I also know I need to make time for myself. It was easy in the summer because Mr. Soup would come home for lunch or encourage me to go out for a few hours in the evening. Now, when I come home I just want to soak up Joely time. I know I need to go to the gym or make time for dinner/drinks with friends, but I just want to sit and listen to Joely talk (he is quite the chatty Cathy). I want to watch as he plays with Mr. Soup. I want to see him explore all the things in his room. This week has been nice because I've been home with him every night this week. Last week was so hectic that I just wanted an easy week. I haven't made it to the gym this week and who knows if I will until the weekend.
In addition to that, I do feel a little guilty going to work each day because I actually like it. This summer my wardrobe consisted of tank tops and maternity jeans (don't worry I retired them and bought normal jeans). I would get excited when I put something else on. Now, I get to dress up and go to work. I get to talk to adults on a regular basis. I really do like being at work. I love wearing fancy clothes, doing my hair and make-up, and even wearing heels. Today I even went grocery shopping with Joely in my fancy clothes and heels (and they say it can't be done! I'll show them) Even being around the students is enjoyable (this too shall pass). I am really, really looking forward to this school year. I didn't think I would. I guess part of me feels guilty. For so long, I dreaded daycare and going back to work. I cried for weeks before. I guess I didn't expect it to be this easy to let him go to daycare each day. Part of me feels as though we just made a really good decision in choosing Abuela's and the other part of me feels like I'm a bad mom. I go from wanting to spend all of my late afternoon/evening time with Joel to feeling so much relief and freedom when I'm at work. I guess I'm trying to find that balance. I'm trying to figure out my "role." Maybe even trying to find myself a little? I guess with being a mom, my role is always changing.
Can I also just vent about how much I detest pumping at work! I actually detest pumping in general. I know I've said it before, but I really just prefer to nurse Joely myself. I love the bonding. There is nothing gratifying about pumping. I don't get to hold my precious prince while I pump. It's just me and the pump locked in a kitchenette off of the school library. I feel like I have to concentrate hard to pump whereas breastfeeding comes more natural. I'm really hoping my feelings will change. I hope I'm just experiencing the back-to-work hump. Joely does get some formula every now and then, but he really doesn't like it. He'll be six months in November. If I still hate pumping, I'm going to start supplementing with formula more and lessen the breast milk. Hate to do that and I really hope I don't have to do that. Keep your fingers crossed for us!