I still don't know

Joely turned nine months today. I thought I would be able to post everything that has transpired the past week and a half. Most of you who read this blog know what happened with Joely's former daycare providers. It is still hard for me to put in words. It is still hard for me to accept that Joely was not cared for the way he deserved. I don't know how long it happened. What I do know is that Joely knows he's supposed to be loved. He knows what love looks like, sounds like and feels like. He knew he wasn't getting that there. He let everyone know it! Even though my mommy-heart breaks each time I think of the situation, I feel a sense of relief now that he is in a safe, nurturing environment. My mommy guilt whispers, "I should have known sooner." The irrational part of me wants to home-school Joel and never let him out of my sight. The rational part of me learned that no daycare - licensed, unlicensed, home or center- is good enough for our children. Murad and I decided that Joel will never attend a daycare again. We know our situation is rare and that there are good day-cares out there. Despite this, we feel there are a lot of myths that are told to convince people to send their children to daycare.Until there is longer maternity leave (like at least a year) for women like me who need to work and raise a family and until fathers have more paternity leave, daycares seem necessary. I heard so much about how children gain social skills in daycare and develop better than children of stay-at-home moms. This is so not true. In fact, children learn social skills from their parents!!!
Our ultimate goal is to have me teach in the evening and Murad work during the day. I still really want to work, but I really want to raise Joely. Until that is a reality, we have a sweet deal. My former students' mom is watching Joely and my best friend's three year old. Joel loves it there. He knows he's loved and he loves them back. He's thriving there. He eats more, and he's starting to pick up the baby sign language. He's chatty and squealy again! He's just a happy, happy boy! I just want him to be that way all the time, but I know there are more hard times to come. My dad said things will get better and worse as he grows. I just want to protect him from everything bad and it kills me that I can't. I don't want to end this post on a sad note, so I'll end with the positives: Joely is nine months old and thriving! He is in a place where he is loved and nurtured. He's just about the cutest baby around!!!

Fun Foods!

Since we got the okay to decrease formula, we need some more foods to feed this boy. His new fave is kale, spinach, black beans, rice and chicken. I meant to buy some black beans today, but I forgot. I blame my forgetfulness on the fact that I had one cranky, teething boy with me. I usually don't take Joely shopping with me, but he needed to get out of the house. He's easily entertained by all the stuff and loves flirting with the ladies. Despite this, I knew I had to get in and get out before he had another meltdown. So, I forgot the black beans. I decided to try a new recipe. New recipe for today:

Brown Rice and Vegetable Medley
Cooked Brown Rice
Zuchini
Spinach
Red onion
Carrot
(I'm not putting no, but basically I put a little of each and add some water, blend)

I know Joel will love this as his favorite veggie is carrot. I know he will love it because I tasted it and loved it. I finished the remaining bit in the blender! I'm a pretty good chef!

Joel likes smoothies. Here's one I came up with:

Joel's Wildberry Smoothie
blackberries
blueberries
raspberries
1 banana
apple juice
2 baby spinach leaves

Okay, so here's a recipe for the adults! It's not alcoholic, so don't get your hopes up!I absolutely love the Genova pizza at Urban Crust. Since I can't eat there everyday, I decided to make my own. I was surprised when it tasted just as good as Urban Crust's. I even brought some to work for my co-workers! Yum!

Ashlea's Urban Crust Pizza
Pizza Dough (homemade or Pillsbury thin crust is just fine!)
Red Sauce (I bought Ragu Pizza Sauce)
Basil Pesto
2 containers of crumbled Goat Cheese
Argula
Eggplant

Cook dough for five to ten minutes at 400 degrees
take out dough
spread 2 tablespoons of pesto across dough (crust)
spread 2 table spoons of red sauce on top of pesto spread
sprinkle cheese on top of spread
place eggplant on top of cheese
cook for 7 minutes
add as much argula as desired

*I also added red onion to mine (can you tell it's my favorite?)

Joel Update at 8 months

We made it through January without any ear infections! We're hopeful that this means no tubes for our little man!

We discovered that Joel is lactose intolerant. As a result, we've changed his formula. Not too excited about that, but I'm really sick of having to change his clothes after every feeding and sending multiple outfits to daycare. It made laundry time oh so fun! Joel has always been a spitter-upper, but when we went to exclusively formula feeding, we noticed that he was spitting up a lot more. He was almost throwing up as much as he was taking in, which is not good. Fortunately, switching his formula solved everything! Despite all this at 8 months, Joel is a healthy 16.4 pounds! He's such a big boy!

Dr. Ramirez also told Murad that we need to start giving him more food-food and decreasing his formula feedings. Right now, we're introducing pasta. We've started adding black beans, spinach, and rice to most of his faves. We also let him have little cookies. If we let him, Joel will feed himself (and the dogs who hover near his highchair).

Joel's top two teeth are starting to come in as well. He's putting everything in his mouth and has replaced spit-up with drool!

Joel is perfectly content with playing by himself. He can easily entertain himself with his toys and books and for that I'm thankful. We've noticed that having the TV off really helps his independent playtime. He vies for our attention more when he thinks we're watching TV. When the TV is off, he's content and will let us know (usually with a smile) when he needs some attention.

Even though Joely is crawling or walking yet, he's good at getting where he needs to be. He's mastered the art of scooting and rolling. I'm hoping that the formula change will allow him to be on his belly more, and eventually do some crawling. Then again, he may decide to skip crawling altogether!

Dr. Ramirez said that Joely is the healthiest that she's seen him. She told us to skip his 9 month appointment and come see her when he hits 12 months. Yep! That's right, folks. We're closing in on one year!

Tomorrow is Joely's In/Out Birthday! I don't have any pictures of me at 37 weeks, but I have this cute picture of Joel and me at 37 weeks out (okay it was taken last week, but you catch my drift!) Happy In/Out Birthday, Joely!

Dirty 30!

Well, as many of you know, I am now thirty years old! My official birthday was Thursday. I can hear the "womp, womp" in the background as you realize that I was at work on my birthday. Definitely not fun, but my students made it a success. One student brought me a cupcake from Sprinkles, another one brought me a (fake) Gucci scarf, and I received handmade countless posters (including a Jayhawk one). One of my students brought me whole wheat toast with Nutella. This may seem a little weird, but we bonded over our love of whole weat toast and Nutella. I think we are the only ones in the school who eat it for breakfast each day.

When I got home, I spent most of the afternoon returning phone calls. Mr. Soup and Joel showered me with cake and a homemade dinner! I requested no gifts, as Murad shelled out a lot for my push prize (I absolutely love my Galaxy tablet; it's the reason why my Facebook page has a million pics of Joel) and Christmas. After Joel went to bed, we watched a movie and hung out.

On Friday, I went to Happy Hour with my work friends. It was fun and low-key, which was what I needed after a stressful week. We went to Kelly's Eastside Bar in downtown Plano which was convenient for me!

On Saturday, we started our day with a serious talk. I know that seems weird, but it was really needed. Mr. Soup is worried that I'm not getting enough "me-time." I think he's worried because of the stress of my job, motherhood and supporting him after his test. When I went to happy hour on Friday, I called to I check on Joely and he goes, "GO HAVE FUN!" Easier said than done, right? He's right though. I've been guilty of putting Joely first all the time. Since Murad takes Joely to work and I pick him up, Murad is going to pick up Joel twice a week (that's all that his work schedule will allow). I'll have time to go do my "me-time" stuff. Whether it's working out, meeting for coffee or a drink with friends, or whatever, I'll have those two afternoons to myself. I'm really excited about this, but also nervous. Picking up Joel is the highlight of my day and I treasure the time we spend after work; however, I know Murad is really looking forward to getting me back to "me." I know a lot of it has to do with my work situation, but I am thankful to be employed. I also think that I don't always realize how much work it is to be a mom. I used to scoff when people said that being a mom was hard. I LOVE mothering Joel each day. I didn't ever think of it as work, because I enjoy it so, so much. When I step away and realize how much work it is though, I can see why I am a little overwhelmed. So much of who I am is devoted to Joel (as evident by the fact that 99% of my blog entries are devoted to him; I promise that will change!), but I am more than his mommy.

After our big talk, we geared up for my birthday celebration. It was a much needed night out. We left Joel with the sitter who would have been more than happy to keep him overnight, but Murad and I are just not ready to leave him overnight with non-family members. We're getting there though...Anyways, I really wanted to celebrate my birthday in downtown Plano. I know that seems weird to celebrate in a suburb, but Murad and I really love our town. The restaurants and shops in downtown Plano are unique and the nightlife is vibrant. It's becoming more "urban" and we love spending time there. We wanted to share that with our friends, so we headed over to Urban Crust for a pizza dinner. I absolutely love their Genova pizza - eggplant, basil pesto, tomato sauce, goat cheese and argula..YUM! It was great to share good food and drinks with friends. Afterwards, we went upstairs to the rooftop bar to hear the DJ spin. the rooftop bar (called 32 Degrees because they serve all drinks at that temperature) was so much fun. Immediately brought me back to being in college. We had fun drinking, doing silly dances, and people-watching! Such a fun night and I'm so thankful for the people who made it a blast!

We headed over to pick up our little prince who graciously let us sleep in until 8:00am today. I then took a five hour nap while Joel and Murad had some daddy-time. We have been lounging around because our 30 and 31 year old bodies can't handle 3am bed-times. Although I loved the night out, it won't be a regular occurence.

30 is here and I could not be happier. I may not have all the answers, but I'm surrounded by people who love and support me. I'm figuring it out one day at a time. Here's to 30!

Way too many Changes

When it rains it pours...
Joely is going through a clingy phase, which I am totally loving right now. He always wants to hug and love on his dad and me. It's great, especially since I spend my day with 120 kids who don't appreciate me. As a result, he hasn't been much fun at daycare. Abuela and Miss Christy report that he's quiet and not as playful as he used to be. I think Joely is an observer, but I do worry what that means. He's used to silence (we try to keep the TV off when he's up except for 30 minutes in the morning--I know...bad, but he loves Spongebob in the morning), tons of attention and he's used to playing by himself (he won't even share his toys with us). I welcome this clingy stage, but I worry what it means for the future, especially if we have more kids. Would he be a good big brother? If we don't have anymore children, will he develop the social skills he needs? Ah, how my mind works.

We also have to face the reality that he may not be able to go to daycare in the near future. Our daycare status is kind of up in the air with Christy leaving in May, the city enforcing stricter guidelines on the number of kids and Abuela's landlord selling her house. We are hoping and praying that he'll go there for at least another year, but at this point we just don't know. I started looking at other home daycares in the area and I just wasn't happy. All of them had violations from the state. Abuela has zero violations. I know that doesn't seem like a big deal, but when it's your pride and joy, you think differently. I just can't imagine sending him elsewhere. I just want the best situation possible. We've thrown around some possibilities.

-Our current one is to continue working our current jobs and look for another home daycare.
-I planned to work part-time and still send Joely to daycare full-time if Murad got his license. Now We're considering working opposite shifts: me part-time teaching at night and him during the day full-time. This would be good except: 1. there is no guarantee with part-time employment, especially with time off if I had another baby. 2. Joel would lose the socialization of daycare. 3. I would lose my "me" time altogether by mommying during the day and teaching at night. 4. Murad and I would rarely see each other. I'm not too worried about this one because my parents worked opposite shifts and made time for date-nights, lunch dates, etc.

Despite not knowing what is going to happen, I delight in this season of change. One of my weaknesses is control and this uncertainty is forcing me to let go and let God. I'm also trusting my husband more. He's been hounding me about getting more me-time. Today I went to happy hour with some friends. I called Murad to see how Joely was doing and he goes, "go have fun!" I don't think he understands how difficult it is to take off the mommy-hat.
Even though things are a little stressful right now with Murad being down, not knowing about our daycare and other things, I'm still extremely thankful for the life I have. I turned 30 yesterday, and for the most part I'm living a dream life that most people would envy. We may not have money, but I am employed, I am healthy, I have a home, I have two great dogs, I'm married to a man who loves me more than anything, and I have the sweetest prince of a son.
While I may not have the answers to what our future holds, I know that as long as Joely and Murad are with me, we'll make the best of it.

How do you mend a broken heart?

I wish I could mend my hubby's broken heart. I hate to see him so, so down. I thought he was on the up and up, but Sunday was worse than Friday. We didn't go to the park. We didn't go to downtown Plano. At one time, I saw him closing the blinds on all the windows I had opened. He didn't even realize he was doing it. It was all subconscious. I wish there was a way to let him know he's not a failure.

He is reaching out and I'm thankful for that. I'm also thankful for the smile he gets on his face when Joely squeals with laughter. That boy seriously loves him some daddy. I'm thankful that hearing his daughter's voice cheered him up. Last night she called and he was thrilled. She was too. She genuinely sounded excited to talk to him. Afterwards, he said that Abby was such an inspiration. Her life is a lot harder than most kids. No matter what life throws at her, she is always cheerful, happy and usually smiling a big Campbell grin. I reminded him that she gets that from him.

I've never met a person so passionate about achieving his goals. When I met Murad he had barely graduated from a private college in New Jersey. He was going back to school to get a drug counselor certificate. Before moving here, he decided he wanted to go back to school the right way. He wanted to be a role model for his daughter since she didn't have very many. His first time in college, he was on an athletic scholarship. He also bounced around from college to college before finally graduating. This time, he was determined to do it right. He went back to school and got not only another bachelor's degree, but a master's degree. School wasn't easy for him either. Growing up he was in special ed due to reading problems and was always made to feel dumb when compared to his brother. He never let that get him down. Now, I see those insecurities creeping back in. The "I'm not good enough," is back.

I know that once he gets his license this will all be behind him,
but it is just so hard right now to realize that. He is not only a role model for Abby and Joel, but he's an inspiration to so many people. He's an inspiration to those who were called dumb or told they couldn't do something. I hope that he'll share his story with the world. I love him so much. I'm so lucky that he's my partner in life and the father of my son. He is my hero!

this weekend

This weekend was not quite the celebratory weekend we envisioned, but it was a good one. I made M get out of the house and join his guy friends for some good ol' fashion video-gaming. Yes, we're nerd-bombers, I know. Tomorrow we plan to head to downtown Plano for some fresh air and to pick up some veggies at the farmer's market.

M also made a plan to practice acceptance find closure about the exam. He's also finding ways to prep himself for the test in April. I am so stinkin' proud of him. As much as it hurts my heart to see him hurting, I'm so proud of him. Today, he goes, "Ash, you working part-time and having more financial freedom would've been an added bonus, but I really, really wanted this license for me and I still do." I'm so glad he hasn't lost his drive. Like I said earlier, he truly is the best social worker out there. I truly believe it is his calling to be a social worker.

Ironically, I had been having panic attacks (not really) about the possibility of working part-time. I guess it's because of the "if you don't work, you don't get paid" thing. Despite having a more flexible schedule, I would miss money if Joel or I got sick. My part-time jobs are so erratic and having researching many, I did not find one that would guarantee a steady paycheck or benefits. We could add Joel and I to Murad's insurance, but what if we have another baby? I would need maternity leave and most part-time jobs don't offer that. So, my goal is to find a job/career that I love as a full-time job or make the best of the job I currently hold. Since teaching at the community college gives me the teaching freedom I so need, I'll probably continue doing that. Ashlea Campbell Writing also provides a creative outlet, so I will of course keep that up. Those part-time jobs give us a little extra cushion for travel and since we're about 80% sure we want to have another baby in the next year or two (Murad 100% sure and me 60% sure), we need to start saving for another car and for me to take unpaid time off (I really wish I would've taken 6 months off with Joely, but I'm determined to do it right with the next one...oh the things you learn!)

Another reason I need to work full-time is because of private school tuition...yep that's right. I finally won the private school debate! Okay, so we compromised. Prior to Joely being born I was pro-public education. As a product of public education, I believed that it was best. Plus, I felt that private school children were always socially awkward and sheltered. Stereotype, I know, but I felt it. Since Murad and I could not afford a home in Dallas and pay private school tuition, we bought a house in Plano where the schools are supposedly superb (we're not balling by any means, but our modest home would have been nearly twice as much as what we paid to live Plano. this is why people fled to suburbs like Plano and Richardson in the 70's and why they're heading to McKinney, Allen and Frisco now)

When Joel arrived, that all went out the window. I just wanted to keep him in a little bubble world. I actually wanted to homeschool him (no lie), but then I realized I would have to teach him math....Math is something I should not be doing, let alone teaching. As a teacher, I see the good and the bad with public education. I will say that some of it is frightening. Despite all my worries, M felt strongly that Joel and any subsequent Soup children needed to attend public schools, especially for the social factors. Well, somehow we stumbled across this article and M changed his mind. Even though the article has traces of racism and classism (it's like a private education "white-flight"), I mostly identified with the statements about students being ignored and the lack of opportunities available, especially at the secondary level. And even though we're not ballin' and we have no idea if me working full-time will help send Joel to school, our goal is to have him attend public school K-8 and private school for high school. Like I said, I don't know if this will work, but it is our goal for him. As an educator and mom, I want him to get the best education possible.

It's weird how my thinking has changed since Joely entered our lives. For the most part, I'm the mother I always envisioned I would be; however, every now and then I find myself becoming so consumed by something that I can hardly concentrate. The private school thing had been weighing my mind ever since Murad said no to it back in June (yes, I realize that he's only a baby, but I'm a planner). Now that we've reached a compromise that I can live with, I feel so, so much better.