Tuesday, September 28, 2010

i'm not proud

okay, so the following is a list of things that bother me about myself. we all deserve a moment to feel sorry for ourselves right?
my weight--today I went to the gym and got on the scale. the six pounds I needed to lose is now 14! 14 freakin' pounds. it was the kick in the butt I needed. I can't believe I've gained 14 lbs since June 2009. What is wrong with me?
my face--um so my face is officially a grease ball. New pimples pop up each day. Yesterday, Mr. Soup goes, "Wow you're glowing." I told him to rub his hand across my face and when he did his hand was oily. "Ewww," was his response.
my stepdaughter--I hate that I can't let go of the situation. I hate that after almost of four years of dealing with her neglectful, unstable mother and enabling maternal grandparents I can't let it go. I hate that my inability to let go, hurts my husband and ultimately my marriage. I have to remind myself that he went through this all 7 years ago when he found out about his daughter. He relocated to her small town in hopes of getting custody, only to spend thousands of dollars in legal fees for nothing. I am thankful that my husband wants to spare me the pain he felt. I know I have to let go and accept that. he is a better father for it and I hope to get to that point.
my baby--okay, so no I don't have a baby, but I feel the first two things are a direct result of trying to have a baby (hormonal body changes --weight gain and oily skin). I hate that after four months of hoping for a baby, Mr. Soup and I are getting discouraged. Both of us have talked to various people with kids (aka parents). Some of them waited years, some a year, some 6 months and some a couple of months. I guess I thought we'd fall in the "2 month" category (I mean my hubby already has a daughter and I was an accident--I figured being overly fertile was in our genes). I know everything happens when it should. Maybe God is waiting for me to drop the L-Bs before I get pregnant (because we know Mr. Soup won't hear any of that "I'm fat" talk)? Let's hope!

1 comment:

  1. It takes the average couple 6 months to conceive. If you haven't already, make sure you understand the fertility awareness method (fam). That book I told you about, Taking Charge of your Fertility (I think that's what it's called) discusses this. I've also known women who discover a thyroid problem, get on meds, and immediatley get pregnant. Just thought I'd throw those things out there to help :) If we lived closer, I'd come over to join your pity party--I'm having one too. And I just blogged about mine. True writers aren't we? Ahh, life is good, even when it's bad I suppose. Thinking of you and hoping your dreams come ture soon! And don't worry about those lb's--you'll need them to nurture your growing baby!