Friday, February 11, 2011

Still bitter

Since I'm pregnant, I feel like I can be bitter about some things. I deserve to vent a little, right? I don't mean to sound unappreciative, because I'm not. I have a wonderful life. Caring, devoted husband. beautiful home. 2 gorgeous dogs and did I mention a PERFECT baby boy on the way? so why am I down in the dumps? like most Americans....the economy.
I planned to stay at my job for one more year. My reasoning? I didn't want to start a whole new routine once JT arrives. I just want to be comfortable at my job, so that I can fully adjust to becoming a working mom. However, I really want to be able to work full-time/part-time and still attend his events and be part of his day as he gets older. I've never desired to be a stay at home mom and I probably never will, but I want to be able to be part of my child's school day like my mom was with ours. I know I'll miss major milestones his first year working full-time, but I can make it a priority when he's older to find a more flexible job. So, the plan has been stay at current job for the 2011-12 school year and then switch to a more flexible or part-time job once he's one.
However, all these budget cuts have got me stressed out. Thank you, Gov. Rick Perry! I thought he was all about balancing our budget, but lo and behold we have to cut a % of the budget from where? EDUCATION. Dallas ISD plans to cut 2900 staff (teachers and counselors included). My school district may issue a salary freeze (some have even said that they may issue a salary decrease). Grand Prairie ISD is cutting all library media specialists positions. It's just craziness. You know who suffers the most? the kids. I can't help but worry about what type of school JT will attend in the future. We moved into a "good" neighborhood so that our children would get the best education. However, the fate of public education is unknown. We've discussed private school as an option, but never thought it might become the necessity!
So, it all has me wondering if I should start looking for something else? When I entered the field of education, I felt secure that I would always have a job and a paycheck. Everyone needs to be educated, right? Apparently not in Texas. We're creating a society that places little value on education. Students already idolize the stars of Jersey Shore and Real Housewives more than scientists and other scholars. As Texas (and our nation, for that matter) continues to sink on the totem pole in success in mathematics and science, other countries rise to the occasion. we're content creating cooks and not working to create chefs. If students see that policymakers think education is unimportant, then what's to stop them from choosing a life of crime? It's a sad state in education.
The economy is still hitting my little family hard. It's been almost two months since Mr. Soup graduated with his master's and he still can't find a new job. He's filled out countless applications, been on 2 interviews and one callback. I know he's feeling the pressure too. Just like me, he never envisioned that he wouldn't be able to find a job in social services. I know his worries include, "how will I support my family?" and "why doesn't anyone want to hire me?"
the one thing that keeps us sane is JT. I feel him kicking around in there right now as I type and I think of what a little blessing he is. Mr. Soup and I decided to start our family last spring and when we didn't get pregnant right away, we were really depressed. I started resenting my friends who got pregnant one month after trying. I really went into a dark place and it didn't help when Abby was ripped from us. I really began to hate her mother because I felt she got to reap all the benefits of being a mom, but didn't really take her role seriously. I started to feel that way about a lot of moms and I started judging who was "fit" in my eyes to be a mom. I really started to become a different person. I just wanted God to tell us if we were going to be a childless couple or not. However, just when we were about to give up on becoming parents, we got word of JT (after some false negatives). And while being pregnant is not a cure-all for all my problems (let's face it, I can still be a judgmental bitch sometimes), it does fill me with joy to know that my little man is in there growing and exploring. As we approach viability, I am excited for each week that he's in my belly and look forward to delivering him (close to full term!). I know people laugh when I say he's perfect, but to me he is. I know he'll do stuff to piss me off, but he truly is a symbol of the love his father and I have for each other. I can't wait to hold him!
I guess in a way I'm still bitter about quite a few things, but mostly because I worry. I do worry about the world I'm bringing my son into, but I'm hopeful that we'll raise him to be an agent of change. Mr. Soup and I will do our best to make sure he gets a great education no matter what happens here in TX. And even though things suck with both of our careers, we'll figure out a way to weather the storm. Maybe, just maybe I'll be less bitter...

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