Towards the end of 2008 and the beginning of 2009, I just stopped listening and caring. A lot of it was that had to do with my cousin's death. I had to do it in order to snap out of my depression and prepare for my upcoming wedding. I had to be happy in order to celebrate, what would be at the time, the most important day of my life.
I realize that I sort of continued this today. I noticed that I'm quick to cut people off because I don't want to get too deep. I even do it to my husband sometimes. I get annoyed when people try to confide in me. I hate that I feel that way.
Recently, I discovered that my cousin is getting married towards the end of the month. I guess I just stopped caring enough to miss this one too. What should be the happiest day of her life is being marred by family members and "friends" who don't agree with her lifestyle. When she told me this, I was angry with them all. My cousin reminded me that I shouldn't be angry with them, but to love them. They're our family. She's right. I guess I'm just more mad at myself. I think I was too focused on not getting upset, not getting hurt and not feeling as sad as I did in November of 2008. I avoided it all. I've avoided lots of important people in my life because I want to remain "happy."
I've become that friend. That self-absorbed friend. Well, I'm working on fixing that. I've walked around here for the last week in a funk. I've been depressed. I don't know if it's because Joel is growing up. I don't know if it's because when I resigned from my job, I lost part of my identity. I'm no longer a teacher. Who am I? Murad thinks I put too much energy into being the perfect mother to Joel and that I need to take more time for myself. He's probably right, but I don't think that will solve it all.
Either way, I know that the way to get out of this funk is not to throw a pity party for myself, but support others. I have so many blessings in my life and so much love to share. I need to take time to listen to others and learn from them too. This is my mid-year resolution! I don't want to be that friend! I want to be that awesome wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend!