Friday, July 24, 2009

Come Undone

Who do you need?
Who do you love?
When you come undone...

Remember that Duran Duran song from the 90's? I used to love that song.

I have been feeling a little undone lately, but in a good way...I guess. This month has been tough financially. We had to dip into savings when Murad's uncle died and twice for Sam's vet bills. My check engine light also came on. Ughhh. I feel like will we ever get ahead? Will my plans for saving for a family actually go through?

Murad reminded me that during this recession and other hard times, we need to focus on the now. "Ash, we have everything we need today. We aren't going hungry. Abby is taken care of. We have our two beautiful dogs with us." Why can't I be that optimistic? Why can't I live for the moment. (not to say Murad doesn't plan ahead..he does, but he adapts to change better than I do) Reading through my blogs one would think I'm not happy with my current situation. I complain about not having a house, I worry about accidentally getting pregnant before "we're ready," I'm eager for Murad to get in and out of grad school, etc, etc. It's like I have this ideal timeline. When in reality, my life right now is great. I feel like I don't embrace the "right now." I sometimes think my timeline makes me hypocritical and that I push my expectations onto others. I'm always looking ahead. While that serves me well in a lot of areas, I feel like I don't fully get to experience the joys of this time in our lives. All the good things in my life are the unexpected joys I've found. None of them were planned. I never imagined I'd marry a man I met at an airport who has a child and who is a different faith, but I did.... what a blessing it has been to marry him.

So, I'm going to become more process oriented instead of product oriented. I strive for perfection, but I also need to embrace who I am right now and the process I'm taking not to become pefect and not become whole, but just the future me! One thing my friend Katie does in her blog is list things that are important to her and for which she is grateful. I think I need to do that, not as a reminder and not as an affirmation, but maybe as a chronicle? I can look back and say, "ah! Remember that time? It was so great!"

things I am grateful for right now:
-time to read...I'm almost done with The Shack (excellent book! Highly recommend) and I'm simultaneously reading a book my friend is writing. I love getting lost in books and so thankful for the summer days by the pool to do so
-Jesus...ummm....reading The Shack made me appreciative for the relationship I have with Him. His love is Awesome and I strive to understand it.
-my husband....WOW! I dated some duds before him and he has been such a breath of fresh air. He pushes me outside my comfort zone, but he's always there for me no matter what problem I'm having. I sometimes have to remind myself that I'm not going through this alone anymore and that he's always there for me.
-health....I was sick a few weeks ago and it sucked. Sam was sick this week and it really sucked. I'm glad we're healthy. enuf said
-The first family. even though we're all in different places I'm reminded daily how intertwined we are.
-uncertainty....I'm thankful for this feeling right now and also it's counterpart that I hope will follow.

1 comment:

  1. The Shack, AMAZING, so glad you are reading it, wow, it really moved me, my life will never be the same. And yes, gotta love typin up those things that keep us going. It's really fun to look back and see one day one of the things I loved was "sunglasses" or "lemonade" or something silly and frivolous that still made my day. It's important to remember the big stuff, to be scared of the uncertain, but also to embrace the little unnoticable things that make us smile without knowing it!