Most days I wake up and think to myself, "what the hell am I doing?" I seriously wonder sometimes if I am fit enough to be a mother. I also wonder if it is the right thing to bring a child into this effed up world. While I am happiest I've been and I feel nothing but love for JT, I still wonder if I am doing the right thing. A little late for that, right? Growing up I did have a desire to become a mom, but most days that was quelled by what seems now to be selfish desires. And while I'm thankful to have "grown up," I still have those nagging questions. Will I be a good mom? Are we financially secure? Is this world safe enough for my baby?
This week and others has really helped me to feel better about this world. So many people have given us so many things, that we hardly have to buy anything brand new for JT. I get excited thinking about the stories behind each and every item we have for him. My mom and dad have used their funds and talents to furnish his nursery and provide essentials such as a carseat, stroller and high chair. My mom has made his crib sheets and is making his curtains. Our neighbor generously gave us her son's old clothes. Not only that, but countless people have volunteered babysitting services. I've kept track of all that we have received:
-breast pump (awesome, right?)
-pack n' play
-curtain tie backs
-baby boy clothes
maybe this is a sign that I am ready to be a mom? people believe in me? people believe in us as potential parents. the generosity overwhelming. I feel like people are genuinely excited for JT and excited for Mr. Soup and I as we embark on this journey. I feel that even though Mr. Soup and I are far from family, JT will be surrounded by love. love from our family here in Texas which consists of friends and neighbors. I feel good about the world in which we are bringing JT.
While I absolutely love being pregnant (minus the weight gain and pre-teen acne), I am ready to welcome our little man into the world. I want to hold him in my arms. I want to share him with this great world in which we live.